"Shufflepuck Cafe, This is Lexan" (Or, A List of Crazy Things I Did While Working at the RB on BYU Campus)

The RB is the P.E. building at BYU. This is the place where students, faculty, and alumni (read selfish, piggish, brutish, dorky-heads) come to play racquetball and get guest passes for their friends (read mooching, insulting losers). I had the privilege to work at the information desk: I sold lockers and guestpasses, answered questions and phonecalls, and spent a lot of time playing tetris and shufflepuck on the computer.This was the perfect job for a girl in college, except for when the Intramural Office had their way with us, causing me to write an RB Information Center "Declaration of Independence" and tape it to their door. Marcy Dibbleblotts worked here, too, and boy did we have a laugh riot (read nearly get fired several times).

Among the things we did for laughs were causing the computer voice on the office I-Mac to say surprising things to unsuspecting workers: They would click on the wrong icon, and suddenly, computer voice would yell, "There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't," or my favorite "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 shlameel, shlamozzel, Hozzenfeffer Incorporated" Marcy also had computer voice saying "adesso sesso," the translation of which can only be obtained through Marcy. I wash my hands of the Italian phrase, entirely. It got to the point where our boss made us turn off the sound because it was driving her nuts.

One time Marcy called out "good luck on your skin fold test!" as her customer walked away, red-faced and ashamed.

Another time I closed down the office for five minutes to use the bathroom and put a sign that said "gone peein'" on the door.

Occasionally I would answer the phone "Shufflepuck Cafe, this is Lexan" when Marcy or our other friends called. I was supposed to say "RB Information Center." But you should have seen this shufflepuck game on the computer. There was this cafe full of strange aliens (reminiscent of Jabba the Hut's place in Star Wars), and they had strange names like Lexan. Lexan was the hardest to beat, I'll tell you what. But I beat him, oh yes, I beat him loads of times...

Marcy would leave cryptic and hilarious notes for me to find in the mornings.

Sometimes I would leave notes for myself, signed by Bono, to find in the mornings. (When you close at 10:00 p.m., and open at 6:00 the following morning, you do anything you can to cheer yourself up.)

Occasionally I would use the office laminator to laminate pictures of Bono. I also used the embosser and various stamps to make all my notes to Marcy and myself appear more "official."

We used to look up our love interests on the computer system to find out their age, place of birth, GPA, etc. This could technically be called stalking.

Once in a while I would sneak into the boss's office to watch my favorite TV shows when I worked at night. I'd put up a bell, okay? I wasn't as neglectful as it sounds.

Every morning that I worked there I would go to the vending machines and purchase the following items: 1 6-pack of little chocolate donuts from Hostess; 1 red Powerade.

Brick Oven Pizza knew my name and my order just by looking at the phone number, and could get to my office in less than 15 minutes.

I dominated the top ten score list on tetris, but, in order to appear more humble, I disguised my name with clever things like "I am the Champions!" and "Carly-Carlino."

Both Marcy and I were in love with several of our co-workers, most of whom had code names such as "wedgie boy" and "caro mio;" one of whom was from Russia, was overweight, and twice my age.

I think I'd better stop the list here, or else I might incriminate myself further. Needless to say, those were our wild and crazy days.