Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
So, I've Been Thinking...
I am currently experimenting with a hiatus from the blog, you know since I just have NO TIME to blog anymore. But it seems like every time I take a step back from blogging, it keeps pulling me back in. Observe these little blog-worthy ideas that have been germinating in my head over the last little while:
1. I am really getting to be strong, because it doesn't even bother me when I am at the store and one or more of my children is crying. It used to throw me into a panic when they cried in public. Now, I just keep on shoppin' and return every dirty look I get with an even dirtier look. I think this means that I have developed a healthy callous on my soul.
2. My commitment to shoppin' is pretty intense. For example, the other day I was at Kmart and Hazel had an accident. It went through her pants, bypassed her pink cowboy boots, through the cart, and made a little puddle on the floor near the Martha Stewart flannel sheets. Unfortunately, I had no wipes or napkins to clean up the puddle, so I reported the accident and then kept right on shopping. Like a little public urination is going to come between me and my Big K!
3. Also, I am no respector of "marts." I can go to K or Wal mart quite happily.
4. However, I am getting really fed up with shelling out big money to keep up with all the incontinence in my household. Diapers, pull-ups, "sleep underwear" (read: Goodnights at one dollar per night). Hello? When is this pee and poo fest going to end? The sad thing is that when it DOES end, I will only have a small window of time before I am shelling out money to maintain MY OWN incontinent ways. I can't WAIT for middle age: the small window of time when I will be able to use my incontinence budget to buy holiday sweaters with sequin santas on them!
5. I stepped on a dead squirrel a while ago and I squealed out loud and made a big production about it. A man saw everything from his front yard and asked me if I needed help. Then I yelled good-naturedly, "no! Just stepped on a dead squirrel!" Weird.
And that's just off the top of my head!!! I think the blog world needs me.
1. I am really getting to be strong, because it doesn't even bother me when I am at the store and one or more of my children is crying. It used to throw me into a panic when they cried in public. Now, I just keep on shoppin' and return every dirty look I get with an even dirtier look. I think this means that I have developed a healthy callous on my soul.
2. My commitment to shoppin' is pretty intense. For example, the other day I was at Kmart and Hazel had an accident. It went through her pants, bypassed her pink cowboy boots, through the cart, and made a little puddle on the floor near the Martha Stewart flannel sheets. Unfortunately, I had no wipes or napkins to clean up the puddle, so I reported the accident and then kept right on shopping. Like a little public urination is going to come between me and my Big K!
3. Also, I am no respector of "marts." I can go to K or Wal mart quite happily.
4. However, I am getting really fed up with shelling out big money to keep up with all the incontinence in my household. Diapers, pull-ups, "sleep underwear" (read: Goodnights at one dollar per night). Hello? When is this pee and poo fest going to end? The sad thing is that when it DOES end, I will only have a small window of time before I am shelling out money to maintain MY OWN incontinent ways. I can't WAIT for middle age: the small window of time when I will be able to use my incontinence budget to buy holiday sweaters with sequin santas on them!
5. I stepped on a dead squirrel a while ago and I squealed out loud and made a big production about it. A man saw everything from his front yard and asked me if I needed help. Then I yelled good-naturedly, "no! Just stepped on a dead squirrel!" Weird.
And that's just off the top of my head!!! I think the blog world needs me.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Movin' On
I am so glad this election is finally over. I hope that people can stop making (subconscious??) racist comments about the results and get on board with the positivity. Cause that was a great moment, yo. And if you are still wondering where I stood since I was so cryptic on my blog, just know that I felt so happy that for the first time in my short voting career, the person I voted for actually WON. What a moment for ME!
But I want to move on and stop talking about all this, because I have even MORE important things to discuss. Here are just a few issues I hope President-Elect Obama will address when he moves into the white house:
1. Corn Syrup: I really hope Obama perpetuates this new push to clear high fructose corn syrup of its nasty reputation. Cause, hey, it's natural. And it's FINE in moderation (see the ads).
2. Hamburger: all my life ground beef has been a staple. Now suddenly normal people are telling me that they "rarely" or even "never" buy it. How the hell are these people making tacos? How are they making lasagna, spaghetti, meat loaf, Hamburger Helper, for crying out loud? Obama needs to bring this gross oversight into the public eye and start passing some pro-burger laws (and if anyone needs some tips for browning themselves up a little hamburger, you can call on me).
3. Trunk-or-treats: hey, I get it if you live in a scary city. Otherwise, stop trying to control your children's entire LIVES. Let them get their candy the old fashioned way on Halloween: by trick or treating on foot in a neighborhood you know and trust. Trunk or Treats are ruining the fabric of society. In my day, we walked miles. Then we came home and ate our candy at whatever pace we saw fit. If that meant consuming the entire bag that night, our parents did not stop us. We didn't have candy fairies, candy taxes, or any candy rules. We learned from stomach aches and disappointment when we ran out of candy too soon. 'nuff said.
I'm sure Obama will address these issues once he is done sewing us all traditional Communist Mao suits and implanting microchips into our heads.
But I want to move on and stop talking about all this, because I have even MORE important things to discuss. Here are just a few issues I hope President-Elect Obama will address when he moves into the white house:
1. Corn Syrup: I really hope Obama perpetuates this new push to clear high fructose corn syrup of its nasty reputation. Cause, hey, it's natural. And it's FINE in moderation (see the ads).
2. Hamburger: all my life ground beef has been a staple. Now suddenly normal people are telling me that they "rarely" or even "never" buy it. How the hell are these people making tacos? How are they making lasagna, spaghetti, meat loaf, Hamburger Helper, for crying out loud? Obama needs to bring this gross oversight into the public eye and start passing some pro-burger laws (and if anyone needs some tips for browning themselves up a little hamburger, you can call on me).
3. Trunk-or-treats: hey, I get it if you live in a scary city. Otherwise, stop trying to control your children's entire LIVES. Let them get their candy the old fashioned way on Halloween: by trick or treating on foot in a neighborhood you know and trust. Trunk or Treats are ruining the fabric of society. In my day, we walked miles. Then we came home and ate our candy at whatever pace we saw fit. If that meant consuming the entire bag that night, our parents did not stop us. We didn't have candy fairies, candy taxes, or any candy rules. We learned from stomach aches and disappointment when we ran out of candy too soon. 'nuff said.
I'm sure Obama will address these issues once he is done sewing us all traditional Communist Mao suits and implanting microchips into our heads.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Are we Taking CRAZY PILLS?
When eight-year-old children are persecuted at school by not only other kids, but also principals for speaking out about their candidate of choice (and this is happening to people I know, in predominantly LDS towns), I feel sick inside. What on earth are we teaching our children? What kind of example is this setting? How are we living our religion when we call people names, humiliate, and even resort to violence simply because they have a different opinion? I think those actions override anything objectionable in a candidate's platform. I wish I could find a better forum than a blog to say something about this. I hope that we haven't gone too far down the road of nastiness to recover when the election is over.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Thanksgiving Tips
Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Now, I don't profess to be a great chef. Believe me, I'm NOT one. But I have cooked a turkey and hosted TG dinner twice, and this is what I have learned in the process:
1. Don't leave your bucket full of turkey brine teetering on the edge of your counter.
2. Don't blame your young child when the turkey brine spills onto the floor, leaving an inch of salt water in your kitchen.
3. Buy extra salt.
4. Don't waste time making homemade pie crusts when Marie Calendar's always turn out great and never fail you. If you are THAT much of a food snob, make homemade pie crusts way ahead of time and freeze them. The last thing you want to be doing the day before Thanksgiving is rolling out dough and getting all stressed out and upset that it isn't turning out. I have made homemade pie crust in the past and I've had my fill of it. Now I focus on making really good homemade filling. Bottom line: if you are going to do something store-bought to save time, buy the crust, NEVER buy the filling (this does not apply to canned pumpkin (NOT canned pumpkin pie filling, though) for pumpkin pie or canned apple for Swedish apple pie, which requires canned filling and tastes out of this world).
5. Put sausage and nuts in your stuffing. Throw in some diced apples AFTER the stuffing is cooked.
6. Don't complain to your three-year-old that your husband decided to invite "the Chinese" for dinner without telling you about it.
7. If you ignore #6, don't be surprised if your son yells "the Chinese are here!" when it's time for dinner and then afterwards gathers your guests together for a rousing game of "factory worker."
8. If you are worried about dinner conversation lagging, place a Trivial Pursuit question card at each place setting. Tribond and Worst Case Scenario cards are also enjoyable.
9. If you are having a kids table, don't bother with a tablecloth. Instead, cover the table with butcher paper and set out some crayons. If the kids are old enough, have them write or draw what they are thankful for.
10. Buy some beef stick, cheese, and crackers to set out for appetizers. DO NOT try to make fancy appetizers while you are also preparing dinner.
11. INSIST on total creative control over the three most important elements of the meal: the turkey, the potatoes, and the stuffing
12. If you don't like yams/sweet potatoes, don't serve them. Who cares about tradition? If your mother-in-law complains loudly that they are missing, send your husband to the store for some, and have her cook them.
13. Stuff your turkey with apples, onions, and lemons.
14. Brine your turkey. It's not hard and it makes you feel awesome.
15. Don't wear tight pants if you are in a post-partum state. Celebrate the fitting of the pants LATER.
16. Wear a cute apron.
17. Enforce a blanket moratorium on cheddar cheese, especially on the potatoes (see #11).
18. Delegate gravy.
19. Don't invite anyone you don't like because you feel obligated. That's what soup kitchens are for.
20. Don't put out Christmas decorations. Give Thanksgiving its due respect: put out those Native Americans and Pigmentally-Challenged Protestant Immigrants.
21. Have a plan for after dinner. Refuse to sit around and watch football.
22. Let other people clean up.
Happy Turkey Day!
1. Don't leave your bucket full of turkey brine teetering on the edge of your counter.
2. Don't blame your young child when the turkey brine spills onto the floor, leaving an inch of salt water in your kitchen.
3. Buy extra salt.
4. Don't waste time making homemade pie crusts when Marie Calendar's always turn out great and never fail you. If you are THAT much of a food snob, make homemade pie crusts way ahead of time and freeze them. The last thing you want to be doing the day before Thanksgiving is rolling out dough and getting all stressed out and upset that it isn't turning out. I have made homemade pie crust in the past and I've had my fill of it. Now I focus on making really good homemade filling. Bottom line: if you are going to do something store-bought to save time, buy the crust, NEVER buy the filling (this does not apply to canned pumpkin (NOT canned pumpkin pie filling, though) for pumpkin pie or canned apple for Swedish apple pie, which requires canned filling and tastes out of this world).
5. Put sausage and nuts in your stuffing. Throw in some diced apples AFTER the stuffing is cooked.
6. Don't complain to your three-year-old that your husband decided to invite "the Chinese" for dinner without telling you about it.
7. If you ignore #6, don't be surprised if your son yells "the Chinese are here!" when it's time for dinner and then afterwards gathers your guests together for a rousing game of "factory worker."
8. If you are worried about dinner conversation lagging, place a Trivial Pursuit question card at each place setting. Tribond and Worst Case Scenario cards are also enjoyable.
9. If you are having a kids table, don't bother with a tablecloth. Instead, cover the table with butcher paper and set out some crayons. If the kids are old enough, have them write or draw what they are thankful for.
10. Buy some beef stick, cheese, and crackers to set out for appetizers. DO NOT try to make fancy appetizers while you are also preparing dinner.
11. INSIST on total creative control over the three most important elements of the meal: the turkey, the potatoes, and the stuffing
12. If you don't like yams/sweet potatoes, don't serve them. Who cares about tradition? If your mother-in-law complains loudly that they are missing, send your husband to the store for some, and have her cook them.
13. Stuff your turkey with apples, onions, and lemons.
14. Brine your turkey. It's not hard and it makes you feel awesome.
15. Don't wear tight pants if you are in a post-partum state. Celebrate the fitting of the pants LATER.
16. Wear a cute apron.
17. Enforce a blanket moratorium on cheddar cheese, especially on the potatoes (see #11).
18. Delegate gravy.
19. Don't invite anyone you don't like because you feel obligated. That's what soup kitchens are for.
20. Don't put out Christmas decorations. Give Thanksgiving its due respect: put out those Native Americans and Pigmentally-Challenged Protestant Immigrants.
21. Have a plan for after dinner. Refuse to sit around and watch football.
22. Let other people clean up.
Happy Turkey Day!
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