Days 2,1, and 0: One Week Later

I'm not going to apologize for my countdown not being in "real time." So what if I've been home for a week??!! I've been going through MISERABLE jet lag, so it's not really like I've been anywhere but in my own personal version of hell. But, here's what we did our last two days in Taiwan:

Day 2: We finished packing and cleaning, which included Mike awkwardly wheeling the heaviest mattress in existence through the busy streets of Zhuwei using this makeshift, awkward, Taiwanese dolly:Imagine balancing a queen sized mattress on this thing. And then imagine not being able to see where you are going while walking down a narrow, and very busy street. Then picture carrying the mattress up five flights of stairs in the heat and humidity. Poor Mike. (Thanks to Kyle for helping carry the mattress up the stairs). So, after the mattress ordeal, we got our apartment cleaned and ready for check out. Then we found the best place to eat dumplings in Zhuwei and and Holden threw a fit in the restaurant. The day ended with us eating tacos at the Andersons.

Day 1: We made the long trek to church for the last time. It starts here, at the Zhuwei metro station:

And it ends here, at the church:

Do you like my new glasses? I like them, too. But sometimes I wonder if they are for a man. And sometimes I worry that they are too dark. But whatever. Church was good. Holden gave a talk in Primary, we skipped Sunday school to chat with an old school mate of mine, and we got lots of "good lucks" and horror stories from seasoned ex-pats in our ward, who must endure long plane rides with small children in order to live the high life in foreign countries. (Strand of pearls: $15, a year at Taipei American School: $10,000, Chinese dresses, jackets, and skirts, $30, 14 hour plane ride with a two-year-old: NOT WORTH IT). After church Holden and I rushed over to Carrefour, France's version of Walmart in Asia, in order to buy ONE MORE SUITCASE because we were worried that we'd go over the weight limit. So, we had 7 50 lb bags to check, plus three carry-ons, and two personal items, one of which was a handmade tile in a plastic bag. We were SO well organized!

Day 0: We woke up early and were all business getting everything put together for our trip home. Holden had to wear one of Mike's shirts for a while because we had forgotten to leave a shirt out for him. But other than that, we were pretty well organized. We had to take two taxis to the airport: one for me and the kids, and one for Mike and our luggage. During the car ride Hazel fell asleep. In the airport, we ate a leisurely Burger King breakfast:
Then went through security and immigration, where we ALMOST weren't allowed to leave the country simply because our visa renewal stamps were in the wrong place on our passports. All the right stamps were there, just one of them was on the wrong page. This took over twenty minutes to sort out, and we were almost late for our plane (we also had to stop to change a dirty diaper on the way, which didn't help). The flight went reasonably well. I watched Becoming Jane and Atonement, which I have to admit, I didn't love. I didn't love the book, either, mainly because I didn't really care about any of the characters, plus I got bogged down in the war stuff. Plus, I think the author's writing is a little pretentious. But lots of peeps love him and I don't want to make waves about it. Hazel WHINED on the plane, which was not fun for me, but she never cried or screamed or went berserk. She just asked the same questions over and over again and was unhappy with her movie choices. The food was in its own category of crap, but luckily we brought our own snacks. The layover in San Fran was brutal, and I hyperventilated while we were landing the plane in Salt Lake, but other than that, it was a smooth trip. At least there was no vomiting this time!

We are glad to be back in our homeland, and we are especially glad that the kids have gone from this:
To this:

We were not home for an hour before Holden had decided that WD-40 would make a great wood stain. He was out in the garage working as soon as we got out of the car. He's been playing outside and building and inventing ever since.

Days 6, 5, 4, and 3: Too Tired Every Night to Blog

Day 6: Most of the day is quiet until we head to dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant with Mike's Chinese teacher and the Andersons. The kids find another cement slide, we eat the most delish Thai food on earth, and then I discover Ice Monster, a place that makes and sells "bings." Bings are these shaved ice concoctions that are way better than any freakin' snow cone at the snow cone stand. The most famous flavor is the mango. It consists of a pile of shaved ice, with chunks of fresh mango and mango sorbet on top. DEE-LISH. Why do I always find the best places and food right as I am leaving a place?
What's left of my mango bing is sitting in the middle of the table. I'm telling you, it is the best thing in the world.

Day 5: I drop off the kids at the Andersons (thank you again, Jenny), I pick up the coveted vacuum (yet again, thanks Jenny), and push it in the stroller back to my house. I spend the next two hours vacuuming my tile floors, and it feels good to be clean again. At night we head to the Shilin night market so Mike can get his late birthday present (a hand-made leather belt), and so Hazel can get some shooting practice in. We eat fresh fruit, and spend a long time chatting with the belt people, who end up making Holden two belts, and giving me a free one. Night markets are the number one thing I love about Taiwan. They have something fun for everyone in my family: games for the kids, weird food for Mike to try, and shopping up the wazoo for me. We return home completely exhausted and put the kids to bed past 10:00.
Hazel learning to shoot. Yikes.

Holden really bonded with the belt people, and even Hazel called this man "my guy" and missed him when we left.

Day 4: I pay for the late night craziness with really grumpy kids. Mike comes home and we go try to find him some new glasses--only they don't differentiate between men's and women's frames here, so it takes twice as long and is really frustrating. ("Those look nice--no, wait, they have tiny hearts on the sides....") I get to go to "ladies night" and make a bracelet and earrings. I am the only one at "ladies night" who breaks her bracelet, and then when I finally get it fixed, my wrist is too fat for it. While I'm gone Mike plays "farm" with the kids in the playground, and takes funny pictures of Holden and Hazel.
Sorry about the blurriness.

Day 3: Mike leaves at 6:00 am for a silly field trip for his school. He gets to ride on a special tour bus!

I learn the secret to really awesome fried rice at the fried rice store, and I drop the kids off--yet again!--at the Andersons so I can travel an hour by subway, foot, and taxi just to see my doctor for 25 minutes (I came up with another two reasons why I don't like him: his hands are abnormally large, and his fingernails are long....oh, AND even when he isn't wearing tight turtlenecks, he still wears tight shirts, so tight that there is gaping between buttons, and you can see his belly through and he has really long black hairs on his belly. I'm just saying it's kind of gross and weird.) I come home to find presents from Mike and hungry kids, so we call McDonalds and THEY DELIVER OUR FOOD TO OUR DOOR. Isn't that a nice little perk? Apparently they also normally set it out on the table for you, but we decline to have them do that. It feels too fancy for chicken nuggets. Sadly, they get our order completely wrong, but food is food.

Just a few more days before we are back in "Ootah." It sounds strange, but I sort of feel sad. I actually almost cried when I said goodbye to my hated OBGYN. What is wrong with me?????

Day 8: Hazel says Robert Downey Jr. is "Yucky."

One of the great things about Taiwan is the wildlife you can see RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR FRONT DOOR! Look what I saw when I opened our apartment door and walked to the elevator!

This spider was the size of a silver dollar.

We also saw this gecko hanging out on the wall outside our front door. It REALLY scared Hazel, who went running into her dad's arms screaming when it scurried toward her. I think her career as a herpetologist may not work out after all.

Speaking of Hazel, Day 8 began with her following me as I waddled into the bathroom, (this is routine procedure. She comes into my bedroom in the morning, says "Need eat, Mommy," then I waddle into the bathroom, and then waddle into the kitchen and get her some cereal). Anywho, we were looking at People Magazine, and came across a picture of Robert Downey Jr.

"That guy's yucky," Hazel said sleepily. She is a good judge of character, I think. Maybe something about RD Jr's sliminess reminded her of the freaky gecko scurrying toward her in the hall outside our apartment. I fear she may be scarred for life.

After we ate our cereal, we made the long trek to church and watched a session of General Conference. Holden thought President Monson's closing remarks were pretty hilarious, especially the parts about not being allowed to touch the microwave, or the stove, etc. We made a scene with craisins and loud saltine crackers in the back row. Hazel felt like she was going to fall off the Koala Bear Care diaper changing station in the women's bathroom. I think she may have vertigo or something, because she always thinks she is falling off of perfectly stable things (and by the way, we are GOING to work on potty training and taking the pacifier away when we leave Taiwan. I think we've put the girl through ENOUGH in the past four months!) After our shananigans at church, we made the long trek home, where we followed our Sunday tradition of eating breakfast for dinner. In the evening we went for a walk and got eaten alive by mosquitoes.

We think the kids are finally on the mend, so there's no excuse for boring days this week.

Days 10 and 9: Alley Cats, The White Witch, and The Jade Market

What we wish we could have done:
Finally get inside the Teng Feng Fish Ball Museum.

Try the cheesecake that this lady seems so excited about.

Go on a hike in the mountains above Zhuwei.



What we DID do: Day 10

Got a nice visit from a Taiwan native who, bless her heart, brought us cabbage filled donuts as a special treat.

Mustered up the energy to go to Alley Cats for pizza. Hazel ate nothing but cheese off the top, but it was quattro formaggi, and her favorite was goat cheese, so I think that has to count for something.

Indulged in an exciting game of Uno, during which Holden won for the first time ever!


What we DID do: Day 9

Slept in until after 9:00.

Ate pancakes.

Went on a trek to the Jade Market to get necklaces, bracelets, and rocks to add to Holden's collection.

Witnessed a lady carrying around a pig like it was a baby.

Ate at Burger King for lunch and successfully ordered a whopper with lettuce and tomato only.

Ate two boxes of Rice a Roni for dinner (at a total cost of $6, if you don't count the 4 tablespoons of butter from Costco).

Allowed Hazel to watch the Chronicles of Narnia one and a half times--seriously, she is as obsessed with it as I am.

Became disgusted when we realized how similar my yelling voice is to the yelling voice of the White Witch. (But only since we've been in Taiwan. I usually don't yell as much in the United States of America. It must be something in the water here, or the confined spaces, or the pregnancy, or.....okay, I'm out of excuses).

Day 11: Back to the Pearl Lady, Lunch at Mary's, and Fond Memories

After a trip to the doctor, who told us that Taiwan bugs take longer to get rid of than United States of America bugs and to expect two weeks of sickness for the kids, we decided we needed a root beer pick-me-up. Holden, Hazel, and I braved the long walk to the metro station, the long ride on the metro, and the long taxi ride to the Pearl Lady. I had to get some more gifts before leaving the country, you see..... So, after the Pearl Lady, we endured the long walk over to Wellman's, where we purchased a 6 pack of rootbeer and some rice a roni for twice the United States of America price. Then we ate lunch at Mary's, which was a real treat. Hamburgers! BLT's! Fries! Milkshakes! And they were delish, and cheap! Good bye, McDonalds! I don't care that you are simply one long walk away. I would MUCH rather walk to the metro, ride it several stops south, take a bus or taxi, and then walk a long way in order to eat at Mary's. By the end of our journey, we were all barely hanging on because of the exhaustion, but at least we were well-fed.

I have been reminiscing about the fun things Taiwan has to offer, especially now that I can't seem to do any of them because my kids are on their death beds. For example, there's this awesome park, called the 2-28 Peace Park, and they have these wicked cool cement slides.
Not to mention the wicked cool kids that go down the slides. Plus, the people-watching opportunities to be taken advantage of there are unbelievable, and the area is just BURSTING with culture! For example, what the heck is "Spong Ebob"? If you can't see it, that's what it says on the seat of that Taiwanese kid's pants (click to enlarge). Could "Spong eBob" be some sort of Taiwanese blessing of peace and good fortune? Or is it a saying from the native tribes of the island? I guess I'll never know!
Tune in tomorrow for day 10! Maybe we'll get some photos of our armchair!

Day 13: More Sickness, and Pics Around the House

Coke, lemonade, chocolate ice cream, and physical force: none of them is particularly effective in getting Hazel to take her meds. Now, if they made pacifier medicine dispensers......


Since we aren't leaving the house because of sickness and because of unearthly humidity and heat

(This is what Holden was compelled to do after a short trip out for mango slushies). That's a fan, by the way.

I decided to take some interior photos for you all to see what life is like for us here in Taiwan. Please keep in mind that because we are all sick and exhausted, things are a little messy.

My favorite feature of our apartment is the location of the bathroom. You see, it is RIGHT NEXT to the dining area. But there is this clever little sliding mirror that you can close to conceal it.


What is that famous saying? Don't poop where you eat? Well, codswallop, says I!

Another great thing about our apartment is the kitchen, or should I say, crawl space with a two burner stove?

Yep, this is where the magic happens (and by "magic, I DO NOT mean that magic elves do our dishes and take out our trash for us while we sleep. What I DO mean is that this is where I make bacon and eggs).

Adjacent to the kitchen is our little porch, where we do our laundry.

We have no drier, so the view of our porch is obscured by the clothes.

We did manage to get to the first floor patio area yesterday and today. It's quite nice, and has interesting statues of sea turtles and a lovely fountain.


So, this is just a taste of apartment life in Taiwan. It's actually not bad. I miss ovens, though. I really, really, really miss ovens. And driers.

Days 16, 15, and 14: Sickness Strikes, We Take No Pictures, and Happy Birthday to Mike!

We all have colds, so the last two or three days have been even less eventful than a trip to KFC. Hazel has an ear infection--any advice for getting a 2 year old to take gross antibiotics? I don't have a medicine dropper thingy, so I can't just hold her down and squirt it in. She's already knocked it out of my hand once today.... So, I will post photos when there's actually a photo worth taking (i.e., one in which we are not all dripping in thick, pink goo). Fortunately, this is the first time we've gotten sick since we arrived in Taiwan. Unfortunately, it happened to occur on Mike's birthday. So much for all our plans! Thus, in lieu of a party or a fun dinner out, I have composed a top ten list of Mike's best qualities. Happy Birthday, Chuck!

Top Ten Reasons I am Glad Mike Was Born

10. Even though he can't name 4 main characters on "Facts of Life," he CAN fix any problem with any car at any time, and in any place.

9. He doesn't care if he ever owns a cashmere sweater (I, on the other hand.....)

8. He actually feels guilty if he ever--once in a blue moon--has a lazy day.

7. He likes China, but he's not like a freak about it or something. Yeah.

6. He is not afraid to change gross diapers, give baths, administer medication, rub neosporin onto open wounds, tweeze slivers, cut toenails, and deal with dead mice, but he hates to touch dirty dishes.

5. He still thinks it's funny to say "pull my finger" and he also says it in Chinese (see #7).

4. He does not care about the current status of the Jolie-Pitts.

3. He won't wear polo shirts.

2. He considers his feet to be his most attractive feature (even though he has many very attractive features).

1. He still likes me after all these years, which means he is extremely forgiving and patient and that he has impeccable taste.

Happy birthday to Mike!!

Day 17: "Chicken and Rice Plate"

Today is a Taiwan holiday, so Mike got to stay home from school. We decided to visit an ancient peoples and cultures museum just one subway stop (and a very long bus ride) away from our house.

The museum is right on the coast, so we also ended up at the beach. Between museum and beach, we "ate" "lunch" at a really weird and gross restaurant. Tell me something, when someone says the words "chicken and rice plate" to you, do you imagine a brown, flat chicken wing, a single chicken nugget, five french fries, one onion ring, one piece of broccoli, one ice cream scoop of rice, and a squiggle of ketchup neatly arranged together on a small white plate? Because I didn't before, but now those will be the only things that come to mind when I hear "rice" and "chicken" used in the same sentence. I mean, COME ON! Hazel spent most of the meal sticking a little toothpick in the ketchup, offering it to me ("try this!") and then eating it herself. Holden lay despondent in his chair, unwilling to touch even the fries. I picked at the fries, and Mike made his bravest and best effort by eating most of the chicken. The thing I hate is, you could have the awesomest day and see the awesomest things, but if the food sucks, it all sucks. At least, that's my philosophy.

Anywho, after "lunch" we went to the beach and saw some cool patterns (probably made by some sort of shrimp) in the sand,

started a small shell collection, and clucked our tongues at all the garbage and lack of care people seem to have for the environment (next thing you know, I'll be rinsing all my plastic wrap!!)
We also had the lucky opportunity to see a beached whale!!

HEH-LLO!

We felt so sorry for the whale that we took it home and fed it some pizza. Then we invited it to watch Bee Movie with us in our swanky apartment movie theater. We fear it may be with us indefinitely. Ah, me.

There are some things we will probably miss about our home here. Unfortunately, the words "chicken and rice plate" will always remind us of the bad times.

Day 18: Horton Hears a Who and the Best Fried Rice on the Planet

Having had enough of our apartment, on day 18, we decided to hit the town. First thing in the morning, the kids and I rushed out the door to make it in time for the 11:30 showing of Horton Hears a Who. We needed to rush so we'd have enough time for a trip to the Pearl Lady's stand before going into the movie theater (and because I can't seem to drag my sorry elephantine bottom out of bed much earlier than 9:00). The Pearl Lady was fruitful. I'll leave it at that (Mike might be reading this....)

So, after the PL, we rushed to the movie theater. We were the only people in the theater, which was nice, but made the reserved tickets and arranged seating feel, you know, unnecessary. Horton was great. I found myself crying like a baby--probably because we were the only ones there and I could get away with it, and possibly because I was on no sleep and getting a cold. Plus, the whole "I meant what I said and I said what I meant" bit always gets to me. Oh, steady, unwavering Horton!

After Horton we went to Cold Stone, cause lunch just isn't lunch until you top off your popcorn, soda, and churro with a nice chocolate waffle cone. I love the concept of Cold Stone in Taiwan. Who would have thought! That's Tienmu, for you. Tienmu is the area of Taiwan where all the Americans live and where you can get genuine root beer and REAL Diet Coke--not Coke Light, which is an abomination before the soda gods. When I happened upon the import store that carries such things as Dr. Pepper and Diet Coke, I am embarrassed to admit that I got OVERLY excited in front of several people. What can I say? Three months is a long time for some people to go without normal Diet Coke.

Once we had made ourselves sick at Cold Stone, we headed home, where we met up with Mike and continued our Harry Potter reading. Later that night, we played air hockey in the apartment lobby, and spent some time enjoying the Zhuwei night life, which always means making a stop at the fried rice place. I know you are probably thinking that fried rice is fried rice, but this is different. We probably eat it at least three times per week. The people who make it know us well, and have agreed to let us come into their kitchen after hours so we can learn how to make it ourselves. THAT'S how committed we are to this rice. I mean, it has BASIL in it for heaven's sake!

Overall, Day 18 went a lot better than days 20 and 19, probably because I got to go to the movies and eat salty popcorn and buy pretty pearls and eat decadent ice cream.

PS: Am having internet and picture trouble again, hence the tiny pic of fried rice relegated to the top of this post. Hopefully the problem will resolve itself quickly.

Day 19: A Rip-roarin' Trip to KFC!

After spending the morning playing with Jenga blocks and putting together the same puzzle over and over again,

the kids and I headed out for a grand adventure. We headed to KFC for lunch. If you are picturing a Taiwan KFC to be no different from an American KFC, you are sorely mistaken. At the Taiwan KFC the extra crispy chicken (which is normally my favorite) is extremely spicy. It does no good to order the EC. So, you go for Plan B, original recipe. But the original Taiwan recipe calls for like three extra layers of fat and skin on the chicken and it is inedible. Plus, the Taiwanese have this love affair with dark meat that I will never understand, the point being that you can't order like a breast and a wing meal. It's all about the wings and drumsticks for these people. HIGHLY disappointing. To add insult to injury, every single time we have gone to KFC, they have also been mysteriously out of biscuits. And I haven't even TOUCHED the area of fries and the types of things they give you to dip them in! The fries come with something that looks like liquid cheese and some rice puff thingies. Presumably, you dip the fries in the cheese, then roll them in the rice puffs. Sick. Why do we go, you ask? Well, we go for the single item on the menu that is not too spicy or repulsive: the popcorn chicken. Plus, we had to go on day 19, otherwise I would have gone mad sitting in our tiny apartment watching the rain pouring down on the jungle, and yelling things like "get off of him/her!" "stop hitting the wall!" and "princesses don't hit!" every 3-5 minutes--incidentally, sometimes the princess thing works on Hazel, and sometimes it doesn't. For example, it NEVER works when it's time to wash her hair or when she is having too good a time beating on her big brother.
Oh, the little DARLINGS!


So, at least we got out of the house. One thing that makes me proud of Holden is that he is willing to talk to people here. I totally make him get extra napkins and ketchup, etc., when we go to McDonalds or KFC. He THRIVES on it, and I get to avoid embarrassing myself by trying to speak Chinese. Holden has no fear, and says the Chinese words however he wants to. Here is a result of his bravery:

Extra napkins! Which is a great feat, since they don't keep napkins out for people to just use at will. You get maybe one napkin with your meal, and then you're on your own.

After KFC we went back home and read some more Harry Potter. We are certainly living the high life here in Taiwan!

The Final Countdown (doo doolooo doo, doo doo doo doo doo)

We are leaving Taiwan on April 21st. By my estimation, that means I have about twenty days left here. Now, don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed my time in Taiwan. I don't like to let on that I have, because it would destroy my rep. You know, I'm not one to wax cheesy about the glory of my surroundings. And I really hate that whole "romanticized travel" genre that seeks to capture the breath-taking beauty of the stinky brown canal you pass every day as you walk to the metro. I tell it like it is, renaming streets according to the true sights and smells you encounter as you walk down them (Dog Poo Lane, for example, or Extreme Mildew Way, etc.). So, sorry if you have been disappointed that I haven't written daily over-the-top travel logs about all the wonderful things Taiwan has to offer. I mean, a lot of great things have happened to us here. I wouldn't trade this time for anything. But it has also sort of sucked--as living in a foreign country always does unless you are rich and can create an American bubble to surround yourself in, or if you are fortunate enough to live in a country that sells Prozac over the counter. But I digress.

So, I was thinkin' that I'd do a little daily countdown to the time I leave. A daily PHOTO countdown. This will not be anything like Frozen Cacti's 30 days of photos because I am not talented at photography like she is. This is just a "what I'm doing to pass the time" sort of countdown. So, no comparisons, please. I think you can probably tell from the nature of my posts that I have a fragile enough sense of self-worth as it is without someone pointing out that I ignored the rule of thirds in my photograph.

So, anyway, here's what I did with 20 days to go:

sat around in my apartment, which is housed in this building, and spent some time with

these yayhoos.
(Incidentally, this picture was taken between Dog Poo Lane and Extreme Mildew Way, just after Stinky Tofu Alley.)

And we also watched Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban twice and read three chapters in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Cause I am all about providing my children with a balanced education in the finer things.

It is pouring down rain today, as it was yesterday and the day before. So we haven't been out much. And I took these pictures on another day, but my camera is out of batteries. So, tomorrow I will go buy some batteries and take some proper pics to document my day, which will probably consist of me going to the grocery store to buy batteries.

So, that's a wrap on day 20! Stay tuned for more excitement from such days as 19 and 18!

You Asked for it, You Got it

Just experimenting with photos and slow Taiwanese internet and blogs. (And hoping to get some hair validation...)

Massive Head Wound Holdie

Holden got his first CAT scan today. I'm sure it's just the first of many glorious trips to the emergency room for him. Hopefully the next ones will take place in our homeland, so it's easier to communicate with doctors and nurses, and where they actually provide people with hand soap in the public bathrooms. But whatever....

Mike got home on Saturday night and this morning we were all very happy, having just extended our visas (60 more days, 60 more days!) and having just learned that our baby is a girl (Eliza, Ruby, Anna, or Lucy???) We were even planning to take off for Kenting tomorrow, which has been called the "Hawaii of Taiwan." But this morning Holden decided to put a blanket over his head and run as fast as he could at our very sharp and lethal door handle. He hit his head hard. We're talking blood on his hat hard. We thought it would be okay. Head wounds usually look worse than they are.

Then the vomiting started. His eyes were droopy. He said he felt "weird" and that his jaw hurt, so we took him to the hospital. He got stiches and lots of x rays and a CAT scan and luckily everything looks okay. But he couldn't keep any food or water down. We stayed at the hospital till after 5:00pm, when Mike convinced the doctor that Holden might be more comfortable at home. I don't usually go against what the doctor thinks, but since I didn't know what the heck anyone was saying, I was sort of out of the picture. Anyway, Holden is home and hasn't thrown up in a while. He has a bandage on the side of his head, and nifty custom-made hairnet to keep the bandage from slipping. He has assured me that he can "still think," and has already asked for bacon, so at least I know his personality is intact.

Blog soon to follow about how I kind of hate my OB/GYN and how I madly LOVE the newest Rocky movie (please see poll).









P.S. the entire hospital visit, including the CAT scan and medicine, etc., cost a little less than $300, which is amazing considering that we had to pay for the whole thing ourselves. What a deal! I mean if you are going to get a head wound, Taiwan is the place to do it, man.

Car Car SAD; Taiwan Smell BAD

I'm alone in Taiwan with two kids and a 21-week-old fetus in my belly. How did this happen? Mike is gone for a few days for a job interview. It's an exciting job interview, which could result in some great things, so of course I don't begrudge this trip. But I DO begrudge the fact that he is in Utah right now, seeing the snow. Seeing my Momma. Eating food that I dream about every day. Not having to listen to Hazel scream 12 hours (or more) a day. Having access to a car that can take him anywhere he needs to go. And knowing that he cares less about such things as, say, Chick Fila and loading up the tunk of the car with groceries, does not really make me feel any better. In fact, it makes things worse. He's not even going to enjoy his trip half as much as I would. Although, I would probably be more freaked out by the interview than he is, so maybe it's a toss up. Anyway, pity me. Feel really bad for me. I am alone in a foreign land with two demanding, and suddenly really really loud, children.

I've Got to Get to the Bottom of This! (No Pun Intended)

So, I have been pleasantly surprised by the variety of choices Taiwan offers us women in the bathroom. In China, I had two choices: disgusting squatter with a door, and disgusting squatter with no door. Here I can actually use a real toilet, or I can choose a squatter. I nearly cried with happiness when I went to the bathroom at our subway stop and realized that I could use a real toilet (incidentally, the other time I nearly cried for joy was when I learned that there was a Dunkin Donuts just two subway stops north of us--booyah!) But back to the toilet/squatter issue.... This, of course, begs the question: who in their right mind would CHOOSE a squatter over a toilet? Maybe it's just cultural. Like how people here prefer to eat donuts filled with red beans instead of blueberries--oh, heavenly blueberry-filled donuts--or who think rotten raw pork is a delicacy. I've heard the pro-squatter cleanliness argument, but I'm not buying.

So I have noticed in my deliberate and euphoric use of public toilets here that every time I enter the stall, the toilet seat is mysteriously placed in its upright position. I haven't fallen in yet, but it's only a matter of time! How could this be? The whole "who left the toilet seat up?" gag is usually only a problem if you live with a man. I have never encountered this issue in a public women's bathroom. What woman raises the seat? But there's more to the mystery: Not only are the seats always up--even if I go in RIGHT after someone else comes out--but there is also often quite a bit of liquid on the seat. Sorry to say liquid, but I have not yet ascertained the exact nature of this liquid, nor do have the desire to investigate it further. So...does this mean what I think it does? Are women really lifting the seat, standing on the rim of the toilet, squatting down, and...you know? Or is this another cultural thing? Like it's the polite thing to do to raise the toilet seat when you are finished going to the bathroom? I am so confused and, frankly, deeply disturbed by the possibility that women here would perform such acrobatics on a toilet. Another disturbing thought: what I know to be the best and most correct and right way is actually the OPPOSITE of what the majority of people in Taiwan know to be the best and most correct and right way. So, who is right?!! I mean, instinct tells me that I am right. But millions of raised toilet seats can't be wrong...

Hello From Taiwan!

Just a quick blog to let my avid and vast readership know that I am in Taiwan and have not died from the smell of stinky tofu (yet). We arrived on December 29th, and everything went relatively smoothly till Hazel started throwing up about 2 hours before our plane landed. Then I started puking. We were a sight to see in the airport--Hazel and me sitting on the floor in the middle of everything, her throwing up into a napkin, Mike single-handedly picking up all 6 of our bags from the baggage claim. Things have improved since then, thankfully, and I will soon post some pics of our little town, the fish ball museum, and hopefully the Demonic House, which sells shoes for $6. We have a place to live with more security precautions than the Pentagon. I feel like I'm in Get Smart every time I go up the elevator and use a card to get through several layers of security. The garbage truck comes here every day and alerts everyone to come throw their trash away by playing Fur Elise. I'm getting really sick of Fur Elise. The kids are doing remarkably well, although Holden misses his four wheeler.
More soon. I promise.

How I Ended Up In China

A lot of people think that my journey to China began when I met Mike at our singles ward barbeque, was impressed with the way he dressed and the fact that he couldn't play volleyball either, and started flirting with him until the awkward moment when his girlfriend came and sat down by him--incidentally, he made her a hamburger shortly thereafter and she got food poisoning from it. A few months later, they broke up (more to do with the bad hamburger, probably, than the flirting. I was not the type to go after a taken man, and was myself in the throws of an email flirtation with another man), Mike and I started dating, and two minutes later we were married and on our way to China.

But that is just the short version of the story. In reality, my path to China started years earlier. I would say it was some sort of a divinely inspired path if the contents of aforementioned path were not so trivial and, at times, shallow and politically incorrect, but let's just get on with it, shall we?

It began sometime when I was between the ages of 12 and 13. Kacy and I used to sit up late on Saturday nights watching Saturday Night Live (it was the era of "Sprockets" and "Wayne's World" with Mike Meyers). Every so often an ad for a Chinese restaurant called "Fong Ling" came on. It showed two people sharing a romantic dinner while seated on fancy wicker furniture. Here's where some of the political incorrectness comes in: we thought the ad was a laugh riot, and would shout "Fong Ling: Have good time on wickah fuhneecha!"

These late night forrays into racial stereotypes inevitably led to my formation of the "Chinese Sisters" club with three of my other junior high friends. We each had a "Chinese" name and a "Chinese" job: mine were Ling Ling and a peacemaker. Robyn's were Kamasaki and a warrior. The other two are hard to remember, but I know one of them was a chef and the other was a shepherd.

Of course we met monthly to update each other on our various peacemaking/warmongering/cooking/shepherding missions. Most of these meetings are documented on film. At one point we dressed in Kimonos and ate at Formosa Gardens in Provo (we were not yet schooled in the differences--both subtle and extreme--between Chinese and Japanese). I am sure the people in Formosa Gardens were offended when we walked in looking like a group of underage Geisha Girls, giggling and trying to speak in Chinese accents.

Even after our club disbanded, China was somehow a part of my life.
Case in point: the hilarious and humiliating music video I made to David Bowie's "Little China Girl" (why, oh, why did I ever think it was a good idea to choose navy blue rubberbands for my braces???!!!!)

Not only that, but I was fascinated with Chairman Mao, after hearing the lyrics to the Beatle's "Revolution" about 100 times. "Who is this Chairman Mao?" I would ask myself. "He must not be very good if John Lennon is saying not to carry pictures of him around..." This fascination came shortly after a brief period of confusion over the term "euthanasia" and the scenes of the Tiananmen Square incident. "The youth in Asia are acting up, again!" I would exclaim while watching a news broadcast that moved quickly from a discussion of assisted suicide to a report on the student uprising in Beijing.

But the most telling and important point--a crossroads, if you will--came while I was writing a pro/con list about going on a mission. There, sandwiched between "companions with personality disorders" and "weight gain" on the con side was the phrase "Two words: Taiwan/Chinese." Of course that sealed my fate. When I wrote that down and then didn't go on a mission I was just asking to end up living in a skyscraper in Tianjin, staring out of my window at the smog and the masses of people on bikes, vomiting in a squatter...you get the picture.

When I met Mike and learned that he studied Chinese and had special feelings in his heart about Chinese people, my first thought was "I should have gone on a mission." But then my second thought was "I look SO good in a Kimono," so it all worked out. But seriously, I had a good time there. And Bono even endorsed my journey when he wrote "see the world in green and blue, see China right in front of you" in "Beautiful Day" which became my anthem as I prepared myself to move to that place in Asia with those crazy youths.
PS: once I can borrow Kacy's scanner, I will put a few pics of myself in China up just to be annoying and slide-showy. No Kimonos, though.

I Had a Cultural Epiphany (Or Chinese Candy = Bad; Japanese Candy = Good.)

Having spent a fair amount of time in China, I feel that I can safely say that I am familiar with the Chinese conception of candy and dessert. And their conception, to be quite frank, blows. Red bean popsicle, anyone? How about green jelly nougat? Or a bean-paste-filled donut? When it comes to matters of the sweet tooth, the Chinese don't have a clue. During my six month sojourn, I would seriously have given my right arm for a twin pop. You know, just one of those blue, red, or yellow (sometimes there's grape and rootbeer flavored, too)popsicles that comes in a huge bag for like $1 at the grocery store? Instead, I opted for the $5 Haagen Daaz bar at the Sheraton Hotel. It became quite an expensive habit, to be honest, especially when you factor in the cab fare and the inevitable purchase of another one for the road. But where else was I going to get my dessert fix? Coming back to "The States," as those crazy "ex-pats" over in China call it, I was thrilled to have access to all the candy I was familiar with, not a red bean or a rice ball in sight. I swore off all Chinese candy for good (refusing to drink the Peanut Juice often brought to our Chinese food potluck parties by people just getting back from Taiwan--PEANUT JUICE!) and lived happily ever after.

Recently, however, we had a visit from a friend who lives in Japan full time. He brought us some candy, and I thought "here we go again. I'd better brace myself for bean paste." The candy came in a bright blue and green bag with a gorilla and a rabbit (each holding a male mallard duck and wearing traditional Japanese kimonos)on the front. In Japanese it reads "Magic Mushrooms." The other bag contains two types of candy, one called "Ghana" and the other called "Crunky." I have a sinking suspicion that by "Crunky" they mean "Crunchy" as was often the case with the English written on T-shirts and labels in China ("Party Girl" became Pasty Grile" and so forth). Let me tell you, I had the biggest shock in the world when both the Magic Mushrooms and the Ghana and Crunky were DELICIOUS. The Crunky, in particular, are breath-taking, and I know my crunchy chocolate products.

What did I learn? Don't judge a book by its cover and don't lump all Asian candy under the category of "Chinese." Cause some of it is better than a gluten chew.