Monday, November 5, 2007

Top Ten Most Annoying People at Church

10. The "I-Can-Teach-This-Lesson-Better-Than-You" guy. The one who interrupts the teacher, corrects everything she says (even the way she pronounces "Colossians"), and then reminds her that she finished class two minutes early.

9. The "Everything-is-Serious-all-the-Time" ladies. Those ones who refuse to laugh when you accidentally announce that Debbie HARRY will be giving the opening prayer instead of Debbie Hardy.

8. The "I'm-in-Charge-of-Your-Modesty" lady, who tugs at whatever part of your underclothes accidentally stick out after you spend an hour wrestling a two-year-old in sacrament meeting. Once she gets your attention with vigorous, and highly invasive, tugging, she gives you a disapproving look, and then you hear her whisper to her husband about you.

7. The "Visiting-Testimony-Bearer" who visits your ward so she can bear her testimony in not one, but two meetings, and make lots of evaluative comments about the "feel" of your ward.

6. The "Don't-Limit-Your-Family" Nazi who lectures the women in Relief Society that it is wrong to limit the number of children you have based on something as selfish as "health."

5. The "I-Hate-Children" ladies who give you dirty looks when your kids make noise in sacrament meeting, and then talk about how moms can't keep their kids under control these days in Relief Society. Some of these ladies are also "Don't-Limit-Your-Family" Nazis.

4. The "I've-Had-a-Tough-Week" woman. You know the one. Every time she gives a lesson she alludes to all sorts of awful trials in her life, but never really gives you the real dirt, leaving you guessing what's wrong with her for the duration of her lesson, rather than paying attention.

3. The "Point-Out-all-Your-Flaws" lady who says things like "you look tired!" or "look at all those mosquito bites!!!!" while she rubs her hand along your leg.

2. The "I'm-in-Charge-of-Your-Fast" person who hangs out by the drinking fountain to remind people that it's Fast Sunday and they are not allowed to partake under any circumstances.

1. The "Aloha" sayer. This is the person who may have no other connection to Hawaii than a two-week vacation who starts every talk, lesson, or testimony with "brothers and sisters, Aloha!!!" To which the congregation feels obligated to reply with another "aloha!" even though we are not in Hawaii, but are actually in Springville, Utah.


  1. I _hate_ the aloha sayer.

    It's like: Guys, what makes local culture so nifty is that it's _local_. If we all start saying 'aloha' it's not going to be different and cool any more!

  2. Oh yes, we have a few of those. Particularly an 80 year old "I-Hate-Children" lady. But it could just be a "I-hate-Jacob" kind of thing.

    She said (to the entire Sunday School class after pointing out EXACTLY where our family sits in the chapel) that when she had kids she ALWAYS took her kids out, even if they were just talking. After saying all that she said in mock concern, "I surely hope they're not in here right now." Yeah right.

    Also, I agree about the aloha thing.

  3. I could put a face to most of the top 10. Yes, each of them is annoying in their own special way.

  4. Can you say, "special" and "fun?" It is a good thing that your heart feels better after attending Church. If you are looking to be offended, you're in the right place!

  5. How about the "I've been around forever and let me share my life's experiences with you" elderly testimony guy?

  6. 7, 5, 4 and 1 I have had personal experiences with lately. I esPecially hate #5, I mean. Haven't we all either had children or have been children? I mean, come ON!
    And #4 has always driven me nuts. I can never get past wondering what the "extreme trial" or "dire health problem" or whatever is.

    So I'm with you. And you make me laugh. Keep it up.

  7. I marvel at the comprehensiveness of this list. Bravo, Carly.

    I'm loving The History of Love and am all in favor of meeting for lunch to discuss in conjunction with an in-depth online discuss of its profundity. For an extra project, I'm going to rewrite the novel into an epic poem and perform a dramatic reading. I know you're gonna love it.

  8. I wish Debby Harry really would say the prayer at church. Just once.

  9. I hated the aloha people before it was cool to hate them. Thank you for finally giving this issue the visibility it needs.

  10. We've got a sister who will pick up our kids and bring them to us if we let them roam in the chapel during choir practice right before sacrament meeting. I'm not sure what to do there because we both sing in the choir and it is right before sacrament. This has been better lately though because the kids have a family that they hang out with.

    I can't believe the water-fountain enforcer--did that really happen?

  11. ALL of these things have happened to me at some point in my life. It's just a good thing I am not too sensitive--riiiiight.

  12. Aloha!

    waiting, waiting

    Those people are unbelievable. I've had experience with some of them, but not all these people that keep touching you. That's just creepy.

  13. #1 is my favorite. And if you don't answer 'Aloha' back they continue to say it until you do. Werid. Nobody could get away with this kind of audience participation sacrament meeting with any other word. Can you imagine? "Are you ready to rock?" "Yea!! We;re ready to rock!"

    #7 is also a favorite. Gosh, don't get me STARTED ON THIS ONE!!

  14. I really missed you last week. I even had a day in downtown Portland planned for the two of us!! I hope you had a great holiday.

    The annoying church person to me is the teacher who has a lesson about being humble etc then gossips about everything and everyone afterward...hmmm.

  15. Cami,
    I missed you, too, and would have loved a day in downtown Portland. Blame Mike and all his exams and craziness!

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