--is the memory of me asking the Relief Society president to give me a high five on my way to the front of the room to teach the lesson yesterday. Why did I do that?? Was it to cover my nervousness? Show off? Hide my sweaty arm pits? Was it to be cute and clever-seeming to hide the fact that inside I was feeling ugly and dull? Whatever, I've just been cringing about it all day.
In other news, Wells sleeps in his crib now. His reflux is slightly more manageable. He sleeps from 7 to midnight almost every night. He sometimes goes down for a nap without crying. His weight has doubled since birth. I no longer feel the need to search on amazon for things like the Happi Tummi (herbal packet you heat in the microwave then strap to the baby's stomach), or the Windi
So that's something.
Monday, February 06, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
What Those Other Bloggers Won't Tell You
I have discovered that after four children and ten years of being a mom, I know absolutely nothing at all. Wells is an enigma to me. One day I am positively certain he has reflux. The next day he's colicky for sure. The next day, sleep deprived.
I need to nurse him more often because he's not getting enough food--no, I'm nursing too much and he's gained too much weight and now he'll be obese for life. Maybe I should just switch to bottles? But then I'm a quitter, and what would the nurses at the hospital say if they knew??
The goal is motionless sleep, so says Dr. Weissbluth, but I'll be darned if he doesn't sleep better in the swing. Plus, it plugs into the wall and therefore never stops. When I put him in his crib he wakes up two minutes later, but at least he is having motionless sleep, right? I mean, what is the priority? I exist in a constant state of questioning every move I make. He's finally asleep! Now where the dickens am I going to put him? Do I risk the crib, or do I succumb to laziness and the need to survive and put him in the swing?
I also exist in constant state of guilt: guilt for being mildly to extremely annoyed with my other children on a daily basis and for no legitimate reason, guilt for using the swing and over feeding and doing all these things that I know will create waking problems and bad habits. Guilt for not having time to devote to my spouse, or an interested ear for the latest news in the world of dog sledding. And especially guilt for "not enjoying every minute." Thankfully, someone just addressed that very issue quite nicely. Still, I get those comments all the time from well-meaning people who haven't had a newborn in decades, and it does make me feel guilty.
I see these young, new mothers at church. They have their lives so together! Their babies sleep at night! Their babies eat every three hours! They do baby massage! They just can't believe how wonderful and easy it is to have kids! I can't even last through one church meeting without having to get up and leave with my fidgety, grunty, groany, rashy, thrashy, hungry, angry, gassy, refluxy baby. I am bouncing up and down the halls while these young moms sit quietly in Sunday School with their babies swaddled perfectly, sucking on their pacifiers, angelically asleep. "Sister B's baby is so easy-going," someone whispers to me. Well, bully for her!
At night I think about all the people in the world who are just going about their business, brushing their teeth, putting on their pjs, doing their nightly bedtime ritual with a sense of surety that they will, indeed, get into their beds and stay there for six to eight hours. I envy these people. I sort of hate them, too. I want to say "ha! Look at you, getting ready for bed as if you have hope in a peaceful night! Just who do you think you are, exactly?" I see my husband flossing and it sends me into a spiral of depression: "what do you think you are doing? This day isn't over!"
Is Wells adorable, sweet, a blessing from heaven? Of course. Squishy, kissy, smiley, and happy? Yes. Wells is a delight and a half. He's the tops and all, but it's also just really hard, okay?
I need to nurse him more often because he's not getting enough food--no, I'm nursing too much and he's gained too much weight and now he'll be obese for life. Maybe I should just switch to bottles? But then I'm a quitter, and what would the nurses at the hospital say if they knew??
The goal is motionless sleep, so says Dr. Weissbluth, but I'll be darned if he doesn't sleep better in the swing. Plus, it plugs into the wall and therefore never stops. When I put him in his crib he wakes up two minutes later, but at least he is having motionless sleep, right? I mean, what is the priority? I exist in a constant state of questioning every move I make. He's finally asleep! Now where the dickens am I going to put him? Do I risk the crib, or do I succumb to laziness and the need to survive and put him in the swing?
I also exist in constant state of guilt: guilt for being mildly to extremely annoyed with my other children on a daily basis and for no legitimate reason, guilt for using the swing and over feeding and doing all these things that I know will create waking problems and bad habits. Guilt for not having time to devote to my spouse, or an interested ear for the latest news in the world of dog sledding. And especially guilt for "not enjoying every minute." Thankfully, someone just addressed that very issue quite nicely. Still, I get those comments all the time from well-meaning people who haven't had a newborn in decades, and it does make me feel guilty.
I see these young, new mothers at church. They have their lives so together! Their babies sleep at night! Their babies eat every three hours! They do baby massage! They just can't believe how wonderful and easy it is to have kids! I can't even last through one church meeting without having to get up and leave with my fidgety, grunty, groany, rashy, thrashy, hungry, angry, gassy, refluxy baby. I am bouncing up and down the halls while these young moms sit quietly in Sunday School with their babies swaddled perfectly, sucking on their pacifiers, angelically asleep. "Sister B's baby is so easy-going," someone whispers to me. Well, bully for her!
At night I think about all the people in the world who are just going about their business, brushing their teeth, putting on their pjs, doing their nightly bedtime ritual with a sense of surety that they will, indeed, get into their beds and stay there for six to eight hours. I envy these people. I sort of hate them, too. I want to say "ha! Look at you, getting ready for bed as if you have hope in a peaceful night! Just who do you think you are, exactly?" I see my husband flossing and it sends me into a spiral of depression: "what do you think you are doing? This day isn't over!"
Is Wells adorable, sweet, a blessing from heaven? Of course. Squishy, kissy, smiley, and happy? Yes. Wells is a delight and a half. He's the tops and all, but it's also just really hard, okay?
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Nursing Hallucination #8
I am Mr. Bates, and I cradle Anna's tender feelings (i.e., my infant son,Wells) in my arms. Every move I make affects her, and it is a very heavy responsibility. Ah, Downton Abbey! If you are not watching, you really should get a move on. It's the best show for hallucinating while nursing EVER. And it has its other uses, too.
Monday, January 09, 2012
Nursing Hallucinations
I am not one of those people who enjoy nursing their babies. I do it because a) the La Leche League has me scared witless (they have a pretty nasty goon squad), b) the hospital staff really push it on you and make you feel super guilty if you don't, c) it is easier and cheaper in a lot of ways, and d) because I can. Believe me, if it was at all hard or complicated, if a pump or a feeding tube had to be involved, if there were any special steps to take to make it work, I would NEVER do it.
So lately I've noticed that while I am nursing Wells ALL. NIGHT. LONG. I have been hallucinating about whatever TV show I have been watching. For a while, I literally believed that I was Jerry from Parks and Rec and everybody was tricking me into nursing Wells again and again. Then, I kept thinking that I was Randy from Say Yes to the Dress and every time I rolled over to change positions, I was offering a new dress to a very picky bride (my male infant). I keep pulling dress after dress off the rack but she (Wells) is not satisfied. And then, because I watched Sister Wives in its entirety this weekend, I hallucinated that I was Kody and I was running around, trying to pay equal attention to each of my four wives, who were really just my one male infant.
Then there are the times when I think my baby has been replaced by another baby. Like, somebody just slips their baby in there for me to feed since I'm already doing it CONSTANTLY. Wells is almost 7 weeks old. He wears size 3-6 months and shows no sign of stopping with the constant nursing.
So, what other shows can I watch to fuel my hallucinations? I have clearly been into ridiculous reality TV because it is never so engrossing that I can't turn it off to change a diaper or get a snack. I' love some suggestions.
Over and out.
So lately I've noticed that while I am nursing Wells ALL. NIGHT. LONG. I have been hallucinating about whatever TV show I have been watching. For a while, I literally believed that I was Jerry from Parks and Rec and everybody was tricking me into nursing Wells again and again. Then, I kept thinking that I was Randy from Say Yes to the Dress and every time I rolled over to change positions, I was offering a new dress to a very picky bride (my male infant). I keep pulling dress after dress off the rack but she (Wells) is not satisfied. And then, because I watched Sister Wives in its entirety this weekend, I hallucinated that I was Kody and I was running around, trying to pay equal attention to each of my four wives, who were really just my one male infant.
Then there are the times when I think my baby has been replaced by another baby. Like, somebody just slips their baby in there for me to feed since I'm already doing it CONSTANTLY. Wells is almost 7 weeks old. He wears size 3-6 months and shows no sign of stopping with the constant nursing.
So, what other shows can I watch to fuel my hallucinations? I have clearly been into ridiculous reality TV because it is never so engrossing that I can't turn it off to change a diaper or get a snack. I' love some suggestions.
Over and out.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wishing You Well(s) in 2012
Sorry so late. Here are some pics of Wells Michael Paul, our new baby boy. We chose his name because it was my awesome Grandpa's name. It's also Holden's middle name, which I thought was kind of a cool way to connect these two brothers who are 9 years apart. The middle name Michael is because Michael is so vain. You know how he is...
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I'm Also Thankful
I just read Kacy's gratitude post and it actually made me cry, nude fishnets (which are the best alternative to bare legs or white tights around), Clinique Happy, Ben's compliance, Sam's valor, and all. I loved it! I'm thankful for those things, too.
I'm thankful for friends who invite us over for Thanksgiving dinner and are thoughtful enough to ask what our stance on raisins is.
I'm thankful for all the people who have offered to come our house in the middle of the night if (I ever have this baby) even though they themselves have five children who need them.
I'm thankful for meat and cheese.
I'm thankful for people who give Hickory Farms beef sticks as a baby gift.
And I'm also thankful for midwives who make fun of hynpo-birthing and willingly induce you if you are ready to have a baby. Here's to you, midwife, and my scheduled induction at the hospital on Monday!
I'm thankful for friends who invite us over for Thanksgiving dinner and are thoughtful enough to ask what our stance on raisins is.
I'm thankful for all the people who have offered to come our house in the middle of the night if (I ever have this baby) even though they themselves have five children who need them.
I'm thankful for meat and cheese.
I'm thankful for people who give Hickory Farms beef sticks as a baby gift.
And I'm also thankful for midwives who make fun of hynpo-birthing and willingly induce you if you are ready to have a baby. Here's to you, midwife, and my scheduled induction at the hospital on Monday!
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