Holden

Holden is the best.  He brings me breakfast in bed, just because, on a school day. And the breakfast is not some half-baked piece of toast with unmelted butter spread haphazardly on it. The breakfast is  sausage.

He seems particularly attuned to my feelings and is always there with a hug when he thinks I need one (and I do). He never tries to solve my problems. Or, if he does try to solve them it's usually through a hilariously impractical idea that ends up just making me laugh. He thanks me for making dinner every night. Every night!

 He gets as much of a kick out of poor writing as I do, and we have even started a blog (coming soon) to parody the Local Review. I read the bad writing out loud ("if you have any questions regarding any questions you may have, please write to the editor at...") and he laughs till he can't breathe.

Once we spent three hours on a Sunday afternoon challenging each other to come up with words for Cajun Man. "InspecSHONE....contribuSHONE." We only stopped when it was time to say the invocaSHONE on our dinner.

He laughs at my jokes and likes to hear stories from my youth. He has integrated my past inside jokes into his conversations with me, and we laugh together about them all the time. He will quote lines from home movies I have made ("beef stew! That's good grub! I'll have a turn of that!") and actually thinks they are funny. It is very validating for me! He really builds up my sense of self-worth, ya know?  Like I know I am supposed to build him up, but mostly I think it's the other way around.

Sometimes I think that I probably rely too much on Holden.

On A Scale of 1-10:

How bad is it that I was the only mom at the fifth grade boys' maturation program? Are we talking about years of emotional damage, or will this blow over in like a month? 

It just never even occurred to me that I wouldn't go with Holden. It's not that Mike was too busy. In fact, he stayed home with the kids so I could make it. And it's not that Mike isn't "there" for Holden and is squeamish about discussing such things as maturation (to be said in the voice of "Cajun Man.") It was just like one of us was going to go, so I went. Is this modern, forward-thinking, stereoptype-busting awesomeness? Or, just stupid weirdness? I wish I knew.

So I arrived on the dreaded day and I noticed that it was ALL DADS waiting outside the classroom for the boys' maturation program. I got a ton of funny looks, and people literally kept telling me I was in the wrong place and the girls' program was on the other side of the school in the library.

"Oh, no," I said, "I'm here for my son." Then they would raise their eyebrows at me. Maybe they thought I was a tragic single mother doing my best to support my fatherless boy. Maybe they thought Holden's dad was a deadbeat who doesn't care about these things. I kept wanting to make excuses, like "oh, his dad is all tied up at work" but I stopped myself because it was a lie and because why should it be weird that I was there?

So, anyways, I was embarrassed for nothing because, literally, all they talked about was taking showers every day and how to deal with foot odor. They showed a video that made quick mention of hormones and hair growth, and said many times how these changes are preparing the boys for marriage and fatherhood (which, for some reason, bugged me. I am not anti-marriage or fatherhood by any means, but hello, agenda. Nice to have you pushed right into my face....)

Showers and foot odor: that was IT. The major thing you EXPECT them to talk about --you know--was never mentioned. Afterwards the doctor who did the presentation told me he was asked not to talk about the major thing. He was told to keep it conservative. Hello? Then what did we come here for?  Are the parents who complain about "explicit" maturation programs the same parents who are too embarrassed to talk about this stuff at home, too? I am all about parents being the number one source of information, but I also think that it would be nice for a doctor to tell these boys that certain things are normal and what to expect and how to deal with things in a setting like this one. Because some parents aren't going to want to have these discussions, and boys need the right kind of guidance.

So, I guess I'm a sex-ed advocate now.

Then afterwards the vice principal put his arm around me and said "well, I hope you weren't too uncomfortable in there" like, sort of in a patronizing way. And I wish I hadn't but I just played along and said "oh....it wasn't too bad" sort of sheepishly. I wish I had said something like "um, I think I can handle a discussion of foot odor." It bugged.  Holden totally seems fine that I was there, by the way. I just hope this doesn't come back to haunt him or me in the future.

Tonight is the Mother-Son date at the school. I guess it's okay for me to take him to that. And, yes, I am calling it "MotherBoy." 

Wonder: A Must Read

"You are unfailingly kind: a trait people never fail to undervalue, I'm afraid"--Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter

Have you read Wonder?  A big thanks to Josh for recommending it. (P.S. buy everything he tells you).

I just finished it over the weekend and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It's a story about a boy named August with a terrible facial anomaly (it has a fancy name that I can't be bothered to look up, let alone type), who is just starting school for the first time. Having been homeschooled for years, he begins fifth grade, and middle school, in a traditional classroom setting--with traditional kids who are jerks and everything.

I don't want to give too much away here, but I just have to talk about some things.

1. I have changed my entire perspective about what I want for my kids. There is so much pressure to have a kid that is "accomplished," academically, artistically, etc. These are good things, but I am realizing that I would much rather have kids who are KIND than who get into Harvard (both would be nice, but seriously, I don't care about Harvard). Parents say thing like "she's so precocious! She knows how to get what she wants! He'll go so far in life" and all the while, I'm thinking, no, she/he is actually just really rude.  It's like Dumbledore says: kindness really IS undervalued. But it is the number one thing I want my kids, and myself, to be.  Holden will probably move to Alaska and live off the land for his career. As long as he's KIND, have at it. No need for a doctor in the family!

2. School is awful. Sometimes I want to pull my kids out of school just to shield them from the awfulness that lies ahead, with social hierarchies, games like "the cheese touch," and so forth. So far, they have had great experiences and haven't really faced that stuff yet, but I know it's coming. And yet, I think I better keep them in the school system.* Here's why: they need to learn to deal with that stuff and come away unscathed. They need to learn how to navigate in the world without becoming caught up in worldly things. They need to be challenged and learn to conquer those challenges, creating their own strong identities. They need to have the opportunity to be the kind of kids who sit by the social outcasts even if it means they get guff for it. They need a chance to be like Summer in Wonder, who is the only kid who sits by August at lunch and befriends him without having to be asked by a teacher. In short, my kids need these experiences to grow, and I think the schools need my kids, too.

3. I have been reliving and regretting my own public school experiences BIG TIME since I read this book. To be clear, I was not a bully, and I didn't begin the mean games or start the teasing. But I certainly didn't take the high road when everyone else was playing the cheese touch game at another person's expense. I was too embarrassed to stand up for what I knew, even in 2nd grade, was right. Now, I did at one point stop playing that game, but I wish I had never played it in the first place! Everyone should be like Summer is in the book, but I think more of us are like Jack Will, who is asked to befriend August by the principal. He becomes true friends with August, but then when the peer pressure is on, he succumbs a little bit. You'll have to read the book to find out how things work out in the end, though.


You should seriously read this book. It will make you think a lot about this stuff.


*Please don't think I am opening an anti-homeschool or private school or charter school or online school discussion. Whether to homeschool is such a personal choice, and depends so much on the kids, the parents, and the schools available. People I love and respect home school, so don't think I am dissin'.