A Letter to Curious George

Dear Curious George,

May I call you "G Funk"? That's what I call you behind your back. Allow me to say that you are an insufferable little monkey, with your constant "oo oo ah ah" and your total disregard for the rules. You belong in a zoo.  I don't know how the Man in the Yellow Hat can even stand you, let alone love you. "Now be a good little monkey" will be carved on his tombstone, the poor old fool.

Now you may think that I just hate all monkeys, and that is true. I do. All monkeys and ape-like things are gross to me.  But I hate you more than all the other monkeys because you are a bad influence. My impressionable son already points to the Ipad every morning and "oo oo ah ah"s for your ridiculous show. Today he climbed onto the counter and spilled an entire pot of sea salt all over the floor, coarse sea salt, at that. I believe he was re-enacting one of your "curiosity-induced" "mistakes." So, thanks a lot, G Funk. Thanks for giving my son a show that teaches him to spill things in the name of curiosity! You float along in a consequence-free zone and my son thinks he can do the same. You are truly a terrible influence.

 You know the only redeemable quality about your show? The narrator. His occasionally dry wit, and the sense that deep down he gets it--gets how insufferable you truly are--saves your show. The gullibility of the Man in the Yellow Hat is also very endearing. We all know someone like him, in a completely one-way, somewhat manipulative, emotionally abusive relationship. He shows no signs of putting his foot down, ever (see tombstone remark) and so I am stepping up:

For the record, what goes up must come down, newspapers do not make good boats, levers should not be used to launch people's things into the muddy pig pen, and skunks are not our friends. Shall I go on? Never go into a restaurant kitchen blindfolded, don't show cows a field of wild flowers, never let rabbits out of their pen, and don't ever, EVER accept an invitation to help a kid run an errand or finish a job. You can't do it right, and you never will. Leave balloons alone. Don't bug Hundley, the lobby dog. Stay out of potted plants. Leave the compost outside. Never touch the telephone. Stay off of archeological exhibits and dinosaur bones. Walk away from all wheeled vehicles, and stay out of outer space, please. Have some respect for the Man in the Yellow Hat, and stay put when he tells you to. There, I said it.

G Funk, you appeal to the lowest common denominator. You contribute nothing to society. Even when you do someone a favor it turns out bad. At least in a zoo you could be a nice educational display for children. Go there now. Go to the zoo.

Sincerely,
Carly

PS Could you please find out why the Man in the Yellow Hat only dresses in yellow and wears that enormous hat? Is it a nod to his cowardliness?