"I Can't Do My Own Stinkin' Gel," and Other Highlights From Last Night's TV Indulgences

You could say that Wednesday is my night of sinful television viewing: from 8:00 to 9:00, I switch back and forth between "Sex and the City" and "The Bachelor" (when either one gets too crass or ridiculous, I change to the other one), and from 9:00 to 10:00 my eyes are glued to "Wife Swap"--with titles like these, it's no wonder my husband refuses to be in the room while I watch, gasping and laughing, telling the women on "Wife Swap" that "you made your bed, honey, now you have to lie in it." But in reality (no pun intended...because we all know that reality TV is not all that close to reality), these shows are quite good and hilarious, and they provide good fodder for all the talks around the water cooler (or, in my case, the cyber-water-cooler-that-is-my-blog) the following day.



Okay, so "The Bachelor" is pretty stupid, but it comes as a relief when "Sex and the City" gets too kinky for me. Last night's highlights from these shows include that awful Jane woman freaking out YET AGAIN, and Byron giving her the shaft. "You liar," was all she said to him. Hahahaha. Now he gets to take the four remaining hopefuls on a "romantic overnight date." Isn't every date on The Bachelor a "romantic overnight date"? And on "Sex and the City" I was appalled at Miranda's callousness towards crying babies at restaurants: "don't get me wrong, I like babies," she said, "I just don't like them with my soup." This is the exact attitude that incites people to put "no strollers" signs in crafty-type store windows. But who shops at crafty-type stores??? Mothers with babies, people, mothers with babies. . .



But my favorite moments from last night had to be from "Wife Swap." This week, the Stallones (not Sylvester) swapped their mother/wife with this new-age, meditating, vegetarian family's lover/mother. I won't bore you with the details, but I will list some of my favorite quotes:



1. "I can't pick my own stinkin' clothes! I can't do my own stinkin' gel!" Said by 11-year-old Stallone boy upon hearing that his "new mom" would no longer lay out three outfits for him and do his hair before school every day. He said it with such fervor. I couldn't get over it.



2. "I won't let you go to school looking like an idiot. . . I won't let you go to school looking like an idiot, I promise you. I PROMISE YOU!" Said with gusto by teenage Stallone daughter after boy said he couldn't do his own stinkin' stuff.



3. "If he had been shorter, I would have grabbed his shoulders and shaken him!" Said by Stallone wife about her new "husband" after a particularly painful two-hour meditating session.



4. "Have a great day," clap, clap, "have a great day" clap, clap, clap. Chanted by aforementioned meditating husband while doing a patty-cake-type motion with each of his children. This caused them to be late for school. I don't know if they had a great day.



5. "And bless [Stallone wife], because of her intense spirit of the heart." Chanted by meditation man amid inane babble that sounded pretty much the same.



6."I just want to recognize you as a woman." Said by vegetarian wife to Stallone wife at the end of the show. What this means, no one knows. But I think more people should recognize other people for their gender. It takes a lot of work to have a gender.



I could go on, but I won't, because I've gotta gear up for "The Apprentice" in just three short hours. I hope you'll tune in next week, for what should be the most shocking "Wife Swap" ever (see http://mgp2.blogspot.com). There should be some men crying this time.