Last night I saw a very insightful program on the channel affectionately referred to as "E!" The program was called "Celebrity Beauty Secrets Revealed."
"This oughta be good," I said, grabbing my two-year-old's knee in anticipation, pencil and paper at the ready. "Come on, E!, wow me." I expected to find the elixir of life right there on channel 59, to finally know how J.Low got that coveted glow, and how Cameron Diaz could look so good in a bathing suit.
But what I got was a whole lotta nothin'. The only "secret" that was revealed was how truly rich these celebrities are (and the fact that Britney Spears uses castor oil on her split ends. I mean, has the girl ever heard of VO5 hot oil treatment? I guess VO5 is too "eighties" for her, not that she would remember the eighties, since she spent half of the decade in a high chair, and the other half in the Mickey Mouse Club. The VO5 is on the bottom shelf, right next to the Noxema and the Ten-06, Britney). These famous peeps are spending $500 on products called "Bone Marrow Cream" and "Brain Lipid Serum," for heaven's sake. As I watched, my desire to kiss Brad Pitt's cheek flew right out the window, along with my hope for a useable celebrity beauty secret.
I mean, my Uncle Tobe has some cows over in Delta, but like I know how to extract their bone marrow and brain lipids, make them into a cream, and then stomach putting that stuff on my face.
That's all well and good for THEM, but what about the rest of us poor lepers out here--the ones who can't even afford L'oreal at Rite Aid? Good to know that I can look as good as Jennifer Anniston if I have a comsetic surgery budget of $1 million. I think I'll stick to Ten-06, thank you very much. Let the cows be put to their original use: becoming juicy hamburgers and thick steaks.