Tuesday, February 1, 2005

Why I Would Rather Blog in Ohio Than in Hawaii

For me, blogging is the same as living. So what I am really getting at with this list is why--why, why?--I would much rather live in Ohio than in Hawaii. Many of you may be thinking that I must be crazy. Living in Hawaii is the typical dream come true, and if you've seen my white legs then you REALLY must be asking yourself why an albino such as myself wouldn't jump at the chance to live in a tropical, tan-all-year-round environment. I wonder this, too. But when I delve deep into my soul, in addition to finding a lot of congealed mascara, I find that I would much rather live in Ohio. The reason why I am in this Hawaii/Ohio debacle is that Mike applied for PhD programs in both places. He also applied to a school in Arizona, which I am just trying really hard not to think about at all (no offense to any Arizonans out there, it's just not my type of weather or landscape). So, here's my rationale for preferring Ohio to Hawaii:

1. I'd like to live in a place wherein my vote will actually matter.

2. In Ohio we could buy a house. In Hawaii we could buy a beach towel and maybe a folding chair--if we saved up, that is.

3. In Ohio I could pursue my dreams of becoming an eccentric antique store owner, and of restoring an old house built in 1910.

4. I really can't deal with the pressure to say "Aloha." I mean, when people say it here in Provo, like in Sacrament Meeting or Sunday school, I have to turn the other way. I just can't say it back. As far as I know, people just say "hello" in Ohio. Maybe if they are British they say "wotcher."

5. Ohio would put me in slightly closer proximity to Five Guys in VA. Hawaii would be a depressingly long distance away.

6. I could maintain and continue to build my enormous sweater collection if I lived in Ohio.

7. My legs are fat and white, and if I live in a cold climate, they will never have to see the light of day. In Hawaii, at some point, there will be that "first day out" humiliation, in which my fat, white legs will be on trial until they can become thin and tan. Self tanner--I know, I KNOW!

8. I have been watching a lot of that bounty hunter show--you know, the guy named "Dog"? I dunno, it just seems like he's always in Hawaii....

9. I've always had a thing for Christopher Columbus, and we'd be living in Columbus.

10. I don't really want any visitors while I am away, unless those visitors are Kacy, Erin, Heidi, my mom, and Marcy. In Hawaii, there's a chance that my second cousins once removed might suddenly turn up. Where will we fit them in our grass hut on the beach?? (Cousin Neil, you are a distant cousin that would be welcome any time).

So, now it makes sense to everybody, right? Hawaii=bad; Ohio=good. Arizona=don't want to think about it.


  1. Wonderful! Now I'll have someone to stay with when I visit Ohio! OK, I'm not really going to Ohio any time soon. But, I do remember a random Thanksgiving at an uncle's house in Columbus when I was really little...good times...

    I TOTALLY understand the "Aloha" awkwardness. That made me laugh so hard. Fortunately it doesn't happen all that often in Oregon.

  2. I am not used to snow like you are...so my vote would be for Hawaii...but you really are correct. You totally broke it down, Girl.

    Dog scares me..yeah, he lives in Hawaii. I seriously questions my sanity while Hubby is watching it and I'm in the same room. White trash? Stuck in the 80's? But not in the good way???

    Good luck with whatever is meant to me, my dear...good luck.

  3. Come to OHIO! We could do lunch!


  4. I guess your vote would count more in a swing state, but Hawaii would also be a change of pace for you since it is a blue state. And maybe in Hawaii you could live out your dream of restoring an old folding chair. Gosh, this comment is getting dumber by the minute. Also, watch some old Magnum instead of the Bounty Hunter for some Hawaii inspiration...oh wait...Tom Selleck.

  5. Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Sandy, I would love to do lunch. Melissa, I have cooled slightly in my hatred of Tom Selleck. I found his behavior to Rosie O'Donnell abominable, but lately I have found Rose O'Donnell abominable, so what can you do? But there's no telling what will happen re: Ohio/Hawaii. Maybe we'll end up right in the place that we are now, only unemployed...

  6. 1 – Ohio is one of the more picturesque places I’ve been. Really. Water towers, green trees, I love it all.
    2 – I have a friend getting a PhD in Columbus. They love it, and they got a great house for cheap. And it's family-friendly.
    3 – Hawaii is expensive.
    4 - Tsunamis.
    5 - Pearl Harbor. (Hey, the harbor's still there, and it's still an easy target!)
    6 – Cleveland = The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Columbus is closer to it than Hawaii. Not that that matters to you. But it matters to me.
    7 – Arizona: I agree, bad idea. Although it is close to Utah, should you ever want to make a quick road trip back to see family.
    1 – The BEACH! The tropical warmth. The laid-backness. That’s what I like about Hawaii (well, my image of it, since I’ve never been there, I just know people from there and I know there are beaches there.)
    2 – That’s my only objection. Not that any of this matters to you, raelly. I'm just offering a sustaining vote.

  7. And by Melissa, I assume mean Marcy ;)

  8. Eliza,
    You are so right about everything, particularly the laid-back beach part and the Cleveland Rock and Roll capital part. I am a little torn. But buying a house is a priority for me. And believe you me, I've already done a thorough real-estate search, picked the house I want to live in, and made it the wallpaper on my computer. MARCY--I am sorry I knew a girl named Melissa once whose writing was a lot like your's. Won't happen again.

  9. Carly, Carly, Carly... really...

    1. Palm tress
    2. Beach
    3. Warm water
    4. Giving Holden the chance to learn to surf and be cool for the rest of his life
    5. "resort wear" year round
    6. straw hats all the time without looking like a freak
    7. flip flops to the temple for crying out loud
    8. lush foliage
    9. chance to see LOADS of movie stars
    10. the Polynesian Cultural Center (I never get sick of it or the "pinapple delights" for $5 a pop
    11. warmth - who needs seasons?
    12. simjple living
    13. do you really want to buy a house? I would counsel against it
    14. mangos could grow in your yard
    15. white people aren't expected to say "aloha"
    16. sweating - it's good for you
    17. people will think you are so cool that you live in Hawaii
    18. decorating "island style"
    19. hawaiian shirts and shorts to church (that includes you)
    20. HAWAII!!!!!!!!!

    'Nough said.

  10. Carrie Ann, you've converted me. How could I have forgotten the mangos?