Thursday, September 29, 2005

Making Friends

I am SO good at making friends. Here are a couple of examples of my friendship prowess:

A girl in my ward named her daughter Carlie--same as me, only I spell my name with a "y." We were discussing this, when, thinking that it would be a big hit, I launched into my "I've always hated my name" speech. "People always thought my name was Carla. Who wants to be named after the short, obnoxious woman on 'Cheers'? I always felt like my name was so unfeminine, which was amplified every time someone thought that my name was actually Carlyle and that I was a man..." This went on till I saw the look on the poor woman's face, at which time I shifted into full back-pedal mode: "but YOUR daughter won't have the trouble that I had. I mean, the 'ie' spelling is so much better--more feminine. I mean, she's already got the good spelling going for her. And really, it was just me that had the problem. I'm just a neurotic freak..." I don't think my back pedaling did much to brighten her spirits. Although, she and I were probably not destined to be soulmates, as she admitted to exercising five times a week shortly before we had the name conversation. Anyone who ever uses the term "cardio" seriously in a conversation probably wouldn't want to waste their time on me, because I'm sure they would see me writing/reading blogs all day and conclude that all I do is waste my time sitting at a computer when I could be spending it with a medicine ball in a gym.

Example number two: after an uncomfortably short Relief Society (during which 15 minutes were allotted for testimonies and only five of those fifteen minutes were used) I had a jolly conversation with the Sunday School teacher: "Boy, that was short. Why was it so short?" she asked. "Well, no one bore their testimony," I said with wide eyes, then added "and I wasn't about to do it!" Laugh, laugh? No. Dead silence, then an awkward "well, I already talk enough" from the Sunday School teacher, which was presumably a reference to her weekly lessons, and which provided me with a great segway into safer territory--namely, complimenting her fabulous lessons (and they are really good). Think she'll be calling on me next time I raise my hand in Sunday School? It's doubtful. Thankfully, I have never been inclined to raise my hand and comment in Sunday School--I mean, that's definitely another thing I'M not about to do, so we're all set...

Then there was that time when I jokingly offered up the phrase "I hate church" as a suggestion for Holden's speaking part in the Sacrament Meeting Progam. It was, of course, a joke, but I am not sure the primary president appreciated it. Nevermind, because Holden was the only kid who didn't speak or sing a word during the program. I like to think that he is just not a big ham, like all the other kids. He's too humble to even speak or sing, not like those prideful kids who say their part.

So, that's three down, one hundred more women left to alienate and offend. I am sure I'll manage somehow. My track record indicates that by this time next year I will have had such painful encounters with every woman in my ward.

15 comments:

  1. Did you REALLY want to be friends with them??? REALLY, REALLY?

    I'm just saying...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Today I told my friend that I had heard she was pregnant when I knew, I really knew, that she wasn't telling people yet and the person who told me hadn't meant to tell me and didn't want me to let on. Why did I do that? I don't know and I feel like a fool. It was really quite regrettable.
    I feel your pain.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know, just make sure that you don't befriend someone who you will later call your arch nemesis (as I have done).

    I actually deleted the above post in fear that somehow she would find out and dislike me more. Boo hoo.

    I think your pick of Holden's speaking part is so funny. I think that the Primary president was probably just freaking out about the program and didn't get the joke. "I hate church" is hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Clearly the heat is getting to people in Tucson and they just don't get your sense of humor. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Robyn:It's very difficult indeed to believe that you would ever have an arch nemesis.

    JP:well, I can't say that I sought out these women to be my friends, but don't you think it's clear that I am not worthy of their friendship, anyway?

    Emily:Youch. I have done a lot of things like that, and there's just no good explanation for it.

    Heidi: The heat wave is making EVERYONE crazy. I will feel better about myself.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey, that's kinda like talking about someone or their unfortunate circumstances only to walk out of the cubical and find them on the otherside. Or better yet, have them walk in on you! Yikes! Not like that has ever happened to me or anything...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Your story brings back horrifying memories! I hate talking to new people and trying to pull both of my feet out of my mouth at the same time. That must be why it takes me about 5 years to make a new friend. Sounds like those Tucsontonians need to brush off their sense of humors and let them out for a little air!

    ReplyDelete
  8. We're really not so different... you and me...and Roseanne...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sounds like it's time for you to become a kitchen slut and make a delicious chocolate cake for Carlie's freak-o mom. Food and compliments, that's the way to make friends since your hilarity is obv wasted on these peeps.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Also, more evidence that we are soul mates: I don't even know what a medicine ball is.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Don't we all do this really? Except for shy people who never open their mouth--WE ALL DO THIS! I call it a breakdown of the filter. My filter is supposed to trap anything pollutant that might spill forth from my mouth. It breaks half the time when I need it most.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I got here from the Cap in Hand blog--hope you don't mind. I loved your story about the name thing. My mom, Leah, had the same experience, but she did it on purpose. She was in the foyer outside of the chapel one Sunday and approached one of the women in our ward, Janet, who had a brand new baby girl named Leah. The wards in our stake had just been split and reorganized, so Janet had no idea who my mother was. Mom started in on her: "I can't believe you'd name that sweet little baby an awful name like Leah. Don't you know that was the unwanted wife of Jacob? the ugly one?" She kept going on and on until finally Janet said, "Your name wouldn't happen to be Leah, would it?" Mom answered, "Of course it is. You don't think I'd be that rude if it wasn't, do you?" The two have been friends ever since.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Welcome, Julie! Your story gives me hope for the future of my friendship with the exerciser.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I think I would have made the comment that exercise is really overrated while I whipped a Diet Coke and a Snickers out of my Church bag...I'm really not sure why my back end is getting bigger??

    ReplyDelete
  15. So i am not commenting on your blog, as a matter of fact I am not going to read your blog this time, just out of spite! I am so mad!! And mostly at you. You always got to out do me with Marcy D.
    You have to guess name that song before me, you have to make a funnier comment then me, well beign the first to comment on hers today was the last straw!!!
    We are over!

    Un-love Harry

    ReplyDelete