Thursday, October 20, 2005

My Dr. Doesn't Like Me

So this week I told my doctor that I really wanted HIM to deliver my baby, if possible. This seemed like a reasonable request to me, especially considering the unpleasantness that occurred last time I had a stranger deliver my baby (I can't discuss it in polite company, but if you want to know, you can call me because I LOVE talking about it.) So, anywho, after I gave him what I believed was the highest compliment a doctor in his profession could receive, he flat out rejected me:

"Well, all my partners pretty much do things the same. And it's not like you really know me THAT well. I mean, we just met." This was not very reassuring given the circumstances in which we were having this discussion. I mean, if he doesn't know me, then who DOES?

Of course, it is TRUE that the doctor is really only there for the last five minutes of the labor/delivery experience. So what does it matter? My dignity flew out the window four years ago when I had baby #1, anyway.

So, back to my dignity, I got my hair cut the other day. I went in with a picture of Uma Thurman with bangs, hoping I could go from ugly big forehead girl, to sophisticated woman, like she appears to do in this picture courtesy of Marie Claire:

I also wanted some layers and some length taken off. Well, the man who cut my hair REFUSED to take off more than 1 inch. And the layers are hardly noticeable. And he studied the picture of Uma for like 10 minutes, stepping away from it, squinting, holding it up to my face, etc. All this time, I'm thinking "oh, good. He's really going to try to make my bangs look like hers." He snipped some hair. Things were going well. THEN, the blow dryer and round brush came out....

Ten minutes later I was walking through the mall with the largest bangs ever seen and sopping wet hair. I guess blow drying the entire head is beyond the scope of this man's capabilities. I kept trying to flatten my bangs, but they bounced right back. They were bouyant bangs. If I had been in a swimming pool, they could have kept my whole body afloat. So I kept saying very loudly "Why did that man have to go nuts with my bangs, Holden?" At times like these it is really good to have a three year old in tow, because you can talk loudly to them in order to convey messages to the strangers who are staring at you ("Hey, it's not my fault. The man at the haircutting place did this to me. I'm suffering more than you are, trust me!" etc.). Holden is good for that. And he's a good shopper. And he kept saying "I don't know, Mom. But your hair looks BIG."

Now I am ok with my bangs because I have avoided the round brush. But I am unhappy with the rest of my hair. I look like those people who go on "What Not To Wear" and cry when they get their waist-length hair cut off. Since when did I become one of those people? My new hair model is Reese Witherspoon. Because, let's face it: I'm no Gwyneth Paltrow. I'm no Reese Witherspoon, either. But somehow she seems more attainable. Perhaps it is because she has two kids, neither of whom are named "Apple."
So, this is my latest idea:

At least I am not trying for Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen hair. I've really grown up. Can't somebody make my doctor see how far I've come? Then maybe he'll want to deliver my baby.


  1. Cletis, you crack me. I hope you get the doctor you want and have no misfortunate events this time! I will keep my fingers crossed.

    I think you would look good with the Reese hair and I'm glad you got bangs after all. I could tell you wanted them (you just need me to show you that you really have already made up your mind).

    BTW just a warning in case you keep posts like this coming---there's no telling what skewedview will be telling peeps. The other night I called and Hillary said, "How's your blog going? Daddy says it's all about your hair." Just so you know.

  2. I'm glad I'm not the only one who takes in celeb pics to show the hair stylist what I want. I carried in a picture of Rick Schroeder from NYPD Blue for about a year. With good results, I might add. After I explained to the stylist that I am not in love with Rick. He's Mormon, you know.

  3. Oooh, you have a juicy delivery story? I'd love to hear it! If you have my number, call me! Or email me your number. I LOVE a delivery story with lots of twists and turns.

    You know, the worst thing about not having my doctor deliver Jacob was that the "not my doctor" wasn't aware of how frightened/sensitive I was about the prognosis that Jacob would be very, very large (although he was actually a svelte 7.4). So, as she was wrenching him from my stomach (through my c-section scar that hurts when the Dark Lord is near) she exclaimed, "he's a toddler!"

    Not unlike the other "not my doctor" who said "Whoah" as he measured my belly at my second to last appointment.

    I hope the doctor is there and a little more sensitive to your needs as his patient...even if you did just meet him. I hope everything goes great! Good luck!

  4. Marcy: Thanks for helping me see the light. Maybe I just needed to discuss it with someone for hours on end before finally deciding that I knew all along what I really wanted.

    Neil: I can't believe Rick is Mormon. I know him best from Silver Spoons, and have always been in love with him.

    Robyn: The word "woah" should be banned from all OB/GYNs' vocabularies. As should the word "toddler."

  5. Neil: I love that made me feel better about carrying around pics of Mandy Moore. I want to see Rick's pic that you took in.

    Carly: you know me, hours of hair discussions are no problem. I'm here for you, hoss.

  6. Rick really is a Mormon. Not urban legend. He lives in Arizona and my cousins see him at "Why I Believe" firesides fairly often. I guess he got baptized a few years ago. True story - it's why he quit NYPD Blue. Said it was too raunchy.

    I love your hair, bangs or no bangs. I wish I could be creative like you. Right now I think my face looks round and fat no matter what my hair looks like.

  7. That's me, too. Round and fat. Last time I was pregnant I thought long hair could solve the round/fat problem. Now I am learning that it doesn't solve it. I think the round/fat thing is probably more in your head than a reality--but in my case it is a reality. Drivers license pics don't lie.

  8. I really can't believe I'm even commenting about this "hair" thing.

    I have never taken a photo into a hair cut place (shop, salon or otherwise). My wife calls the one I frequent the "Chop Shop". When ever I am seated I feel the need to comment on the style I wish I could have, like a flat top. That is a manly-man hair cut. Of course my flat top days are long gone. Over the years I have gone from the adolescent buzzcut to hippy hair dude to cool ponytail guy to old man balding hair pop.

    So my advise, just be strong and live without any hair phobias. If people judge you on your fashionable "Do" or the lack there of, they might just miss the best real thing. Your lovely inner-self.

  9. Carly, I feel responsible for the big bangs. You asked for a recommendation and I didn't come through. The girl I used to go to must have had some issues because every few months she would send a letter saying she had switched salons. There's no telling where she is now. Likewise, with the OB. I feel responsible. What your dude is really saying is there's no way he's coming to the hosptial at 2 am if he's not on call that night. Twice I delivered in the middle of the night and the OBs were ticked, both of them. Hello? That's your job!

    Jumping subjects, Rick Schroeder lives in California now, because he's on a new show, but he is verifiably Mormon. They lived in the neighboring stake and I have all kinds of three-degrees-of-separation relationships with him. We're very close (although we've never met....).

  10. So, don't keep us in suspense too long...did your doctor deliver for you? And how did your bangs hold up during labor?!!! :)

    Congratulations! I can't wait to meet her (and find out her name)!

  11. I third (or fourth?) the notion of Rick's LDS status, because he's in my sister's ward in Pacific Palisades, CA. Or was--I think he moved out, but maybe moved back in. I babysat his daughter once, and also went to a party at his house...but alas, have never met him.

    I too love Reese, the way I used to love the family-loving Meg Ryan before she went nuts. I just hope Reese doesn't turn all Meg on me.

    Apparently you've already had the child, so congrats!