Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Making it to Heaven in 2007

My motto for 2007 is "Making it to Heaven" because I have a feeling that this is going to be the year where I really start being GOOD. No more "Miss Rude Girl" for me. It's gonna be all kindness all the time.

I made this decision just two days ago, when I realized the reason why a woman in my ward never really warmed up to me: I had unknowingly mocked her son's glasses. Granted, they are the kind that get dark when you go outside, but there's no excuse for mocking a poor, innocent child's glasses. I didn't mean to do it! I didn't even know he wore those kind of glasses until just a few days ago. But what am I supposed to do, huh? Call her up and say "remember back in September when I was mercilessly mocking those glasses that get dark outside? Well, I'm sorry about that. I didn't realize that your boy wears them." I can do nothing. She will continue to hate me for good reason, and I will continue to cringe and be overly nice every time I see her. Thus, my other motto: "If you can't say anything nice about glasses, don't say anything at all because you never know what kind of glasses people's sons may or may not be wearing."

Yes, I am going to be good. But I have one last mean thing to do before my eternal moratorium on evil thoughts and deeds: I need to get revenge on "Knit Cap Girl."

You see, I am teaching again, and on Monday I found myself surrounded by English graduate students at some meetings for writing instructors. I forgot how much I LOATHE English grad students. Sure, I used to BE one. But I hated them then, too. So pompous, so all-knowing. So capable of filling me with fear, anxiety, and a feeling that I am an imposter simply because I don't wear a beret or care about postmodernism. Anywho, Knit Cap is one of the worst. And I will never forgive her for making a rude comment about my syllabus while reading it over my shoulder. Who does that? Pompous English grad students, I suppose.

So what should I do to her? I thought about sabotaging her class one day by walking in and ripping off her orange knit cap in a fit of rage and maniacal laughter. But then I don't actually know her name, so I have no way of looking up her schedule. I could wait outside the English department and throw something at her. Perhaps I just ought to bide my time, patiently waiting for her dissertation defense, then I will attend it, and read over her shoulder, making rude remarks? I will keep working on my plan for revenge. If it takes longer than one year, I might have to postpone making it to heaven for another time because my motto for next year is going to have to be "Filled with Hate in 2008." Wish me luck.


  1. You could just tell her that wearing a knit cap in Arizona is a faux pas.

  2. I am grateful to NOT have anyone in my life who consistently wears a knit cap. I say you crash her dissertation defense. She might be feeling humble enough there to not bring the cap or the attitude with her.

  3. I like your motto. It is better than mine which is "Finally no more Devin in 2007" (He turned 3 and advanced to Sunbeams). I guess wats re: being rude about small children.

  4. Postmodernism is SO overrated.

    I like your motto.

  5. I lost your blog address so it's been a blank spot in my life not knowing what you are up to. Have you checked David's latest blog? Interesting! English majors can be fun people.

  6. I say you skip right to 2008 and let loose with the maniacal laughter!