Thursday, March 20, 2008

Ten Things I Do/Have Done that I Swore I Would Never Do Before I Had Kids

I hate those people who don't have any kids yet, but who think they know all there is to know about being a parent. You know the ones. I like to refer to them as the "I Will Never's." "I will NEVER allow my children to use a sippy cup," "I will NEVER let my kids eat chocolate," etc. I admit that I used to be like that. I think everyone goes through it to some extent before they have children. And then you have kids and you get your comeuppance and you learn that you should NEVER say never. Here are just ten things that I currently do, or have done out of extreme desperation in the past, that I detested as a naive "I Will Never."

10. Drive my kid around in the car in order to get him or her to fall asleep.

9. Allow my kid to continue a nap in the car after we get home (the car is turned off, of course).

8. Give my over-two-year-old a pacifier.

But look at how PACIFIED she is! Even on a long train ride! Don't judge me, okay?

7. Allow my child to get really dirty and put his or her hands in food.

6. Neglect bug spray, sunscreen, hand sanitizer, daily baths, haircuts, and fingernail clippings.

5. Use bribery as a form of discipline.

"If you will be good in this really big and potentially boring museum, you can have M&Ms!!!"

4. Allow my children to eat noodles from a street vendor with questionable hygiene, and whose bathroom lacks any form of hand soap.

3. Let cheetos and ice cream count as a complete dinner.

2. Allow my kids to watch movies and tv shows that do NOT contain the words Einstein, Mozart, or Public Broadcasting in the title (for the record, I am anti-Baby Einstein. I won't go into it here, but all you need to know is I'm agin' it.)

1. Allow my kids to be exposed to guns in ANY form (water, BB, dart, etc.)

Being married to Mike, I sort of had to let this one go a LONG time ago. Now I am the best shot in the family. you know my dark secrets of parenting. You can judge me if you want, but you should know that I am a human, too. If you prick me, I bleed, my friend. I am NOT a monster! And if you judge me, you will soon be forced to resort to the same practice that you abhor in me.


  1. Oh Carly, Carly, Carly. None of this scares me. I actually can't wait to use some! Bribery is still fairly lost on Jacob & Nicholas, so I guess I've got something to look forward to!

    This post is hilarious and the pictures are very apropos.

    Oh, and Jacob still gets his pacifier at night. I treasure our sleep more than his orthodontic health. (That's what we have orthodontists for!)

    And congratulations on having such great aim.

  2. So did Mike get the lollipop for having good behavior in the museum too?
    Thanks for posting more pictures. My boys love seeing Holden.

    P.S. My Mike is in China right now. I warned him to stay away from stinky tofu.

  3. I recently read a quote that said all of the ills of society would be cured if we all raised each other's kids since every mother knows how OTHER moms should do it. :) Growing up when I was in Utah for the summer I ate a lot of white bread with butter and sugar on it. I lived. Your kids will love you for being a gun wielding, pacifier and M&M giving, MTV watching mom.

  4. Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you. . .

  5. I don't even have kids yet, but at 37 and a close observer of other people's child-rearing struggles, I think I'm down to "I will never allow my child to suck on a lightbulb, play in traffic, or stuff keys into electric outlets." Anything else is fair game.

  6. Carly, just found your blog. Funny! I was anti-gun until last year when grandpa took my 8 year old to the toy store for his birthday and bought him seven toy guns and a knife. Now I just think, "well if murder brings him so much pleasure, I should just let it go."
    I take my kids pacifiers away at 6 months old (What kind of heartless mom am I???) At least for my first 5 kids. Baby #6 is so peevish and awful that I let him suck away even though he's almost two. I even let him take it to church last week. Anything to keep that kid happy and quiet. I still can't believe I did that.