Monday, May 18, 2009

Pig Flu Article

Swine flu is RIPE for parody, and we all know it! Here's what I wrote for the local newspaper about it:

Revenge of the Pigs

I’ve been dreading this day, the day that the pigs would exact their revenge. It’s been coming for a long time now, so it really should be no surprise. Did we think we could continue to eat the amount of ham we eat without any repercussions? Did we think we could mess with the pig genome, engineering the perfect pork chop, without the pigs getting angry? And what of our excessive consumption of bacon? I currently have three pounds stored in my freezer, and to be honest, I wish that number were higher. And have you seen the filth that pigs are living in? Or worse, the factory-type farms where genetically improved pigs are being kept? Their entire existence is confined to a small crate. It’s like something from “The Matrix,” these pigs living in little cells, being fattened up, only to take the longest walk of their life onto a truck bound for the slaughter house. Let’s face it: when it comes to eating pork and mistreating animals, we humans are a bunch of pigs.

Now it’s payback time. With the swine flu in 30 U.S. states and 19 countries (probably more, by the time this is published), these pigs are taking their revenge in a cold, calculating manner that betrays their seemingly simple-minded existence. Perhaps one or two of them got their hands on a copy of Animal Farm and felt that they should strike while the socialist iron is hot in our country. This begs the question, could liberals somehow be behind the swine flu? A serious investigation may be required. In the meantime, I only hope that our strict adherence to the rules of washing our hands and covering our mouths when we sneeze will be enough of a weapon against this attack of the pigs.

Perhaps a more aggressive approach would be better. Maybe we should be eating MORE pigs to wipe out the disease. If that is the case, then I personally pledge to increase my pork intake by at least thirty percent. It will be a sacrifice, but if the nation needs more committed bacon-eaters, then a committed bacon-eater I shall become.

Then again, perhaps we should try a more diplomatic approach. I’m thinking we could drop pro-human pamphlets onto some pig farms, just to remind those pigs exactly where their slop comes from. Actually, some good diplomatic efforts have already been made in the most unlikely of places: my daughter’s preschool. All this week they are discussing pigs—pig characteristics, pig sounds, pig food, pig behaviors, etc. I’m glad that my daughter is being prepared for the worst. It’s a comfort to know that, should the need arise, she will not only know how to recognize a pig by sight and sound, but also how to oink right back at it. We need more of this specialized education if we are to beat this battle against the boars.

Whatever we do, it better be fast, because the pigs will just keep coming at us, snorting and coughing and sneezing their way across the globe.


  1. Oh, oh, oh. So a committed bacon eater you will...become? I had no idea you weren't firmly already in the "committed bacon eater" camp. I mean, bacon was a quarter of our diet in eighth grade! I guess times change. Man.

    I'll try to teach Jacob and Nico the importance of oinking right back at pics. Sigh. So funny.