Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Me, a Role Model???

Recently, in her acclaimed "Momness" series, my sister Kacy put me on her list of mom role models. I think she was just trying to make me feel good, because look at what I've already done this week:

Yesterday I pulled my pectoral muscle while pushing my dog, Leo, away. Then later I pulled another muscle in my arm while driving and trying to reach the bucket of popcorn in the seat directly behind me. The other part of this story is that while I was trying to reach for the popcorn, I was yelling at Holden and throwing my hands in the air wildly, like a stereotypical Italian, and then I noticed the guy in the car next to me was completely staring at me. I mean, we made eye contact and everything. It was like looking into my conscience. I yelled "I'm yelling at my son!" through the window, but I don't know if he heard. Curse you, tinted back seat windows and short children!

I also signed Holden up for baseball because he said he wanted to do it. Visions of him in a cute uniform, making friends, getting exercise, and having success in the world of sports (a situation quite foreign to me, unfortunately) were dancing through my head so loudly that I forgot to listen when Holden later said "nevermind I don't want to do it." One hysterical fit, a fifty dollar check (torn up), 6 emails, and many embarrassing explanations about the "dates just not working out" later, we are back to where we started: no baseball. But wouldn't Holden have made a handsome baseball player? I think baseball players are the most handsome of all sports-dudes. Holden would have totally fit in. But I digress.

Ruby has learned passive resistance and is using it with much success at the store now. If she wants something--Nemo hand sanitizer, a second pillow pet, a second Toy Story "slanket"--and I say no, she just lies down in the middle of the aisle. No screaming, grabbing, kicking, etc. Just lying there in everyone's way with a very forlorn look on her face. This behavior earned her some cheetos today. I like to be sure to teach my children that if they cry and whine hard and long enough--or, in this case, lie on the floor of Wal-mart long enough--they will always get their way, even if it means ripping up a $50 baseball registration check.

Speaking of which, I bribed Holden with a lot of money to take piano lessons. This has been quite successful but I bet a lot of "good" moms would frown upon bribery.

Today, as we were rushing out the door and while I was frantically trying to print out my Downeast Outfitters coupon, Ruby opened a container of applesauce and spilled it all over the floor and herself. In like the 20 seconds it took me to print my coupon! I came upstairs, yelling for girls to put shoes on, only to see a disgusting applesauce mess all over the floor. The point I am trying to make here is that I stamped my foot like a small child and yelled "NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!" which made Ruby cry.

I bought COLORED BUBBLES. "Oh, this looks like a little harmless fun," I said cheerfully at the store to Ruby (who was lying on the floor). The girls played with it for one minute and returned with indigo blue spots all over their hair, faces, mouths, clothes, and shoes. I put them in the tub and the water turned dark blue. Oh, it's washable. But at what a cost!

The Pinewood Derby was last week. Here's where I stand on the pinewood derby: I don't want to be involved. I think Holden should do it all, but I am also conflicted because all the dads take it as a serious competition between themselves. Mike and I really don't think it should be about the dads, so we let Holden do whatever he wants, which this year was to glue an empty sprite can to the top of a block of wood. Oh, we gave him suggestions and ideas, but he really wanted a sprite can car. So we went with it. At the weigh in, the dads were talking trash to each other while the boys ran around oblivious to the amount of graphite on their wheels and the number of ounces their cars weighed. "This is messed up," I thought smugly. Guess whose car came in last? Guess who won the award for "Most Refreshing"? And guess who wanted to throw his car away when the night was over? That's right. I guess I better bring my "A" game next year.

I've been sleeping in lately, and poor Holden has had to make his own breakfast and lunch. Once he just took pudding and a spoon for lunch. I gave him a good talk about making a sandwich for himself next time. Today he asked me to make him toast after school and said I make the best toast in the world. Aim high, buddy. Aim high.


  1. This is one of the funniest things you have ever written. I am dying of laughter right now. Most of it because you are so honest and I can totally relate with what you are writing, but would never be brave enough to say it! By the way, I can totally see Holden in a baseball uniform and I am totally with you on the pinewood derby.

  2. What, this stuff is super bad or something?

  3. I just love this post. Motherhood has a seedy underbelly that is made up of stomping feet, bribery and exhaustion. So fun to read (and relate to).

  4. My son won "safest car" at the Derby. We also "let them" do it themselves. It is the weirdest tradition of Scouting. (If you don't count the Webelos face-painting to music thing. . . )

    The image of you yelling with your hands as you reach for the popcorn will entertain me all day. Thank you for that.