Tuesday, January 24, 2012

What Those Other Bloggers Won't Tell You

I have discovered that after four children and ten years of being a mom, I know absolutely nothing at all. Wells is an enigma to me. One day I am positively certain he has reflux. The next day he's colicky for sure. The next day, sleep deprived.

I need to nurse him more often because he's not getting enough food--no, I'm nursing too much and he's gained too much weight and now he'll be obese for life. Maybe I should just switch to bottles? But then I'm a quitter, and what would the nurses at the hospital say if they knew??

The goal is motionless sleep, so says Dr. Weissbluth, but I'll be darned if he doesn't sleep better in the swing. Plus, it plugs into the wall and therefore never stops. When I put him in his crib he wakes up two minutes later, but at least he is having motionless sleep, right? I mean, what is the priority? I exist in a constant state of questioning every move I make. He's finally asleep! Now where the dickens am I going to put him? Do I risk the crib, or do I succumb to laziness and the need to survive and put him in the swing?

I also exist in constant state of guilt: guilt for being mildly to extremely annoyed with my other children on a daily basis and for no legitimate reason, guilt for using the swing and over feeding and doing all these things that I know will create waking problems and bad habits. Guilt for not having time to devote to my spouse, or an interested ear for the latest news in the world of dog sledding. And especially guilt for "not enjoying every minute." Thankfully, someone just addressed that very issue quite nicely. Still, I get those comments all the time from well-meaning people who haven't had a newborn in decades, and it does make me feel guilty.

I see these young, new mothers at church. They have their lives so together! Their babies sleep at night! Their babies eat every three hours! They do baby massage! They just can't believe how wonderful and easy it is to have kids! I can't even last through one church meeting without having to get up and leave with my fidgety, grunty, groany, rashy, thrashy, hungry, angry, gassy, refluxy baby. I am bouncing up and down the halls while these young moms sit quietly in Sunday School with their babies swaddled perfectly, sucking on their pacifiers, angelically asleep. "Sister B's baby is so easy-going," someone whispers to me. Well, bully for her!

At night I think about all the people in the world who are just going about their business, brushing their teeth, putting on their pjs, doing their nightly bedtime ritual with a sense of surety that they will, indeed, get into their beds and stay there for six to eight hours. I envy these people. I sort of hate them, too. I want to say "ha! Look at you, getting ready for bed as if you have hope in a peaceful night! Just who do you think you are, exactly?" I see my husband flossing and it sends me into a spiral of depression: "what do you think you are doing? This day isn't over!"

Is Wells adorable, sweet, a blessing from heaven? Of course. Squishy, kissy, smiley, and happy? Yes. Wells is a delight and a half. He's the tops and all, but it's also just really hard, okay?

12 comments:

  1. A-FREAKIN-MEN! 9.75 months in, and I STILL dread night time, because I KNOW I have no hope of sleeping through the night. This is not my first time at the rodeo, and I am somehow MUCH WORSE at it this time around. I totally feel you.

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  2. Ugh. I have had both kinds of kids. Until you have a kid that is restless in his own skin.. you have no idea. Mercifully, my newborn is pretty mellow...she is my 5th, and I am having a h#ll of a time with the 7 and 5 year old (who still don't sleep at night, among other major issues). She is my "mercy" baby. Otherwise I would end up as one of those crazy women who's story you see on Dateline. Those young new moms just haven't hit that season yet. I remember being that young and green. LIfe has a way of slapping that out of us at some point. So, be still, and know that soon those calm memories will be what they have to look back on when their other season hits (and my season currently is special needs kids, behavior issues at school, etc, etc.. ). But don't kid yourself. If the NOW me, met the me BACK at one kid, I would want to scratch my eyes out as well. FWIW, my "hard" kid slept in the swing for a year... do what you gotta do sister

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  3. Thanks, everybody. Melanie, I am glad to know that you feel that way, too. I guess I took for granted that I'd just know what to do this time. But that hasn't happened! And Bek, you deserve a mercy baby. Thanks for the helpful words. Kacy, I'll get right on learning sign language so I can teach it to my baby....right.

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  4. You're not supposed to get any sleep when you have a newborn so you can't remember how freaking dang hard they are! There's no way we'd go on to have more babies if we could accurately recall the Hell they put us through in the beginning!

    Hang in there! And seriously... those other women in your ward feel the same way. If they're not showing it, it's probably because they're medicated. Seriously.

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  5. My two-year-old STILL has yet to sleep through the night! NOT ONCE has she made it through w/o needing something. At nights when she was a newborn and everyone else was tucked in bed, I would say to myself, "Here we go. Gird your loins!" My night was just beginning. I'm sorry. I feel for you. Thanks for posting this. :)

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  6. I feel that I get a seven week itch with my newborns. Suddenly the waking, nursing, worrying, bouncing and tending to feels heavier. And yes, I really start to resent people able to sleep all night. And I can never remember how I got my older ones through newbornhood.

    I say don't worry about the motionless sleeping thing. Just keep him happy and you can transfer him to motionless sleep in a few months. Too much pressure! Best of luck!

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  7. I have this horrible memory (kind of funny now--but only slightly, as it's only been 4 years since it happened) of sobbing on my bed and writing a 5 page poem about sleep--how much I love it, how much I need it, how much I don't get it, etc. At the time I thought it was so deep and important. I reread it later and it's just a bunch of inky scratches on paper with blots all over it. That sounds really depressing AND IT WAS. Also, since I'm over sharing. . . I have a distinct memory of standing and swinging Hugh (#4) back and forth every night from 8-11 pm, mumbling, "I don't know what he wants! I don't know what he wants!!! What do I do?!" walking the room to a quiet, freaked-out Topher. That's the only way he wouldn't scream. So, your post? STRUCK A CHORD. And I say to you: take Kacy's advice. Just kidding. Just don't enjoy it and get through it as best you can. And reward yourself with small gifts and food.

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  8. I loved your post and the "Don't Carpe Diem" article too. I think all parents can relate to it. I heard another quote that I really like too: "Heavenly Father knows you're not perfect. He also knows that the people you think are perfect aren't perfect either." The great thing is that He loves us anyway! My little guy is just a month older than Wells so I am right in the boat with you =).

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  9. Oh does this bring back memories, especially with my #5. It's been a long time now but I look at the results and am happy and proud of how everyone turned out and the wonderful people they married. Hang in there - it can only get better.

    PS. Nap when you can.

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  10. I think those other bloggers lie. A lot.

    (Hang in there, mama)

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  11. If being a mom was easy, men would do it too! But seriously, I always nursed on demand and had 2 fat babies and 2 thin babies. The two fat babies were Spenser and Megan. They are both slim and trim, and always have been, so... Don't worry about it. As you know, the important thing is to keep the baby happy! And, preferably asleep. :)

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  12. Oh, thank you, thank you for this post! I just had my 5th a month ago (after my 4th turned four) and oh how I miss my freedom and sanity. I don't blog because although I am hilarious in person, I am quite dull in script...but I am so thankful for folks like you and Kacy that keep me entertained and help me feel normal. I am going through this exact thing and WANT TO DIE. But I won't. Thanks again.

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