Monday, December 27, 2004

Why I am Angry With Julia Roberts--oh, yes, and Christmas was Cool.

Here are some reasons why I am at my wit's end with Julia Roberts. I know I must sound a little harsh, considering that she just gave birth to two babies at once, but let's get real: she probably hired some one to do it for her. The list was originally only three items long, but once I got going, I found it so easy to come up with new things:

1. That shananigan she pulled in "Ocean's 12"--I won't spoil it for those who haven't seen the movie yet. Needless to say, it is such a cop-outtish, self-indulgent, post modern thing to do. Blech.

2. The fact that when someone asked her what she does all day she answered "what do I do? I be married to Danny."

3. The fact that she acts like she has never been married until now, that marriage is so new and such a wonderful adventure. HELLO! Has she forgotten Lyle Lovett? Because I'll bet he hasn't fogotten her, and those bare feet she wore to their wedding.

4. The fact that she dumped Benjamin Bratt. Period.

5. The fact that when someone once asked her if she wanted kids a few years ago, she answered "I like my flat little tummy" (obviously, she has now had kids, so this lessens the blow a LITTLE).

6. That cackly laugh that for some reason men seem to find enchanting, but when I laugh with any kind of gusto, they look at me like I am a disgusting truck driver.

7. She stole Danny Moder from his wife, then had the nerve to wear that cryptic "A Low Vera" t-shirt. What's up with that?

8. The fact that she was barefoot at her first wedding (the one that has conveniently slipped her mind). The woman could afford the greatest shoes on earth, but instead she tries to be "earthy."

9. She likes to act quirky and "natural," but give me a break.

10. But the real kicker is that she named her daughter Hazel, which is the name I have wanted to use since before it was cool. I'm talking like in the days when the name "Hazel" made everyone think of an old housekeeper. Now when I name my daughter Hazel (some day) everyone will think that she is named after Julia Roberts' daughter. (as a side note: this is more forgiveable than Gwyneth Paltrow naming her daughter Apple).

As you can see, I read a lot of People magazine. This is how I know all this inside information about Julia Roberts.

PS Christmas was v. great. Was totally spoiled by Mike and family. Holden got a battery-powered tractor that he likes to ride around in the backyard. It is both funny and deeply disturbing to see him drive--but not as disturbing as Julia Roberts and those bare feet on her wedding day.


  1. I love this post... you want another reason to be angry with Julia Roberts?? She made a stink about the fact that her name would come after Catherine Zeta-Jones in Oceans Twelve... why you got's to always be first you stinky bad attitude pants?

    **I read People too, it is the best**

  2. Remember in Steel Magnolias when she gets the short haircut and she looks like a chester molester...just think of that when you feel the anger kindling.

  3. And let's not forget the body double in Pretty woman. Can anyone spell gargantuan?

    Wunhh! Oh, sorry. Someone just startled me. Was that cute or obnoxious? Maybe if I were "Texan" with "red" hair I could get away with outbursts like that.

    Lyle dodged a bullet.

  4. I don't hate her. I like her. And her cackly laugh. And I liked her in Erin Brockovich.

    *Commence throwing things at me now*

  5. Kaycee, Kaycee, I never said I HATED her. Only that I am angry with her. She has disappointed me. Like my three year old son does when he rubs his poopy diaper on the wall.

  6. You might hate me for this too, but Hazel is also my favorite girl's name, because of a character in an old book (Betsy in Spite of Herself, to be exact). My husband was relieved when the People cover came out with "HAZEL AND PHINNAEUS!" in huge letters, because he hates the name. I, in the meantime, was fighting back frustrated tears in the grocery line. Now not only do I have my husband's taste against me, but Julia Roberts's fame as well. There may never be a Hazel Selander.

  7. I feel for you, Eliza. I really, really do. Good luck with that.