Monday, January 3, 2005

Things That Will Haunt Me Forever

I carry things around for a long time. I mean, a really, really, really, really long time. I never let go of grudges, little mishaps, stupid things I said to high school teachers. Embarrassing, confessional emails. You get the picture. Here are a few things that I will carry till the day I die (and then some, probably).

1. When I turned 11 I had a birthday party at the mall. My mom gave each girl $1 to spend on a scavenger hunt. Then we had lunch. She wanted to take us to a cheap place and get us all hot dogs. I insisted that we go to Chick-Fil-A instead and order $4 meals. I whined and embarrassed her in front of all my friends, then we went to Chick-Fil-A and I made a big deal about how juicy their chicken is. I'm sure it was very expensive. Recently I asked for my mom's forgiveness, and she said "what party?"

2. Just after my sister got her driver's license she was in a car wreck. She called our house and I answered the phone. She cried hysterically into the phone, "I got in a wreck! I got in a wreck" I thought she was joking and said "yeah, right, Kacy."

3. When Mike and I were just married, we lived in China and had this tiny little white fluffy dog named Pengyou. While I was out one day, Mike got in the shower. I came home and heard him in there. He said "hello?" but I didn't answer. Instead, I picked up Pengyou, crept into the bathroom, and threw her in the shower really suddenly. Mike screamed like a woman. I thought it was hilarious, but he still talks about how awful it was.

4. I broke up with a boy I was dating via email. He was affectionately known as "Opie," and bore a striking resemblance to Ron Howard. Alas, the initial excitement about dating a Richie Cunningham look-alike waned and, according to the email, "it just wasn't working."

5. I used to spit on the door of a teacher I despised in sixth grade. Why did I despise him? He said I looked like Carly Simon once.

6. One time in high school I went to Camp Williams (military camp) for Provo City Youth Government. We did all the training/obstacle course stuff. When we did the simulated parachute thing I was too afraid to jump. The instructor was like "jump!" but I kept saying "no, push me!" Then finally he did push me. As if that weren't bad enough, to my dismay, the boy I had yelled at earlier that day and called "tons of fun" in a sarcastic David-Spade-to-Chris-Farley sort of way, was waiting at the end of the zip-line to help me down. (On that same trip, I hugged a military officer on the top of the repelling tower because I was afraid. Then I yelled "Hellooooo, UTAH!" as I sped down the wall. Basically, if I could wipe my Camp Williams experiences out of my mind completely, I would be able to sleep at night.)

7. Very bad bathroom experience at aforementioned military camp that good taste and mixed company won't allow me to elaborate on. But Kacy knows. Oh yes, Kacy knows...

8. When we lived in China we visited the country and stayed with Mike's Chinese friend, who we called Sean. Everybody was playing Mah Jong. I didn't know how to play Mah Jong. When Mike's friend put together a "want to learn how to play" sentence in English (which must have been a difficult task, much like it would have been for me to say ANYTHING in Chinese) I answered "no, thank you."

9. Another China-guilt story: we visited Beijing, which was exciting for me because they have a Baskin Robbins there. Mike had just gotten off his all night shift and was barely functioning. Still, I insisted that we walk the 25 blocks to Baskin Robbins so I could get a Banana Royale.

10. Once I tried to sluff a class at Provo High. My friend and I got caught at the tennis courts. We were heading over to McDonalds for some apple pies and egg mcmuffins. When we were found, the hall monitor asked us where we were going and my friend, thinking very quickly, said "over there," and pointed his finger in a nebulous direction. We didn't get in trouble, but had to go back to our classrooms. I have always wished that we could have made it.


  1. I also love #3. It is the best.

    And you shouldn't feel bad about Opey, he obviously deserved the email breakup--Remember when he went out with Wendy and when he took her home, sped away before she had both feet on the curb?

  2. Hi Clete
    me again.
    how was the first day?

  3. If my dogs didn't weigh 40 and 65 lbs, I'd do #3 tonight.

    Hmmm... who has a small dog I can borrow?

  4. OH. MY. GOSH!!!!!!!!

    I am laughing SO much right now. I have tears in my eyes from the excesive laughter. I can't really breathe, and I'm home alone, so chances are I'm gonna die. But man... what a good way to go.

    Thanks for the laugh.