The [Stupid] Things I've Done for Love

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought I'd share a few of my [less] finer moments in the romance department. Let me just say that all of these things happened PRE-marriage. I have not been this [stupid] for years.

1. In third grade I was in love with G because he looked exactly like Mickey Dolenz from the Monkees. One day I decided to call him. No one answered the phone, so I called probably more than a dozen times. Finally when he answered I got so nervous that I lowered my voice and pretended to be his best friend. "Uh, hi, G, this is K. I was just calling to tell you that Carly likes you." Well, G wasn't fooled for a minute. Luckily, it was summer and I didn't have to face him for another month.

2. I took a "Pound Puppy" (named Hoofer) to school in sixth grade to get KB's attention. It worked. We shared custody of Hoofer until KB officially asked me to "go with him," after which we never said another word to each other. He still has Hoofer and I'm still bitter that he never gave him back.

3. I have done probably more than 500 "drive by's" over the course of my adolescence. They began with bike rides in front of boys' houses, then gradually upgraded to driving in a convertible white mustang with Michael Jackson's "Thriller" blasting, and friend Robyn in tow. If we were trying to be stealthy, nobody knew it. With "PYT: Pretty Young Thing" playing so loud, we drew a lot of attention. (Incidentally, Robyn and I used to sing "BYC" instead of "PYT" because "BYC" stands for Bishop Youth Council and we thought it was a real laugh riot.

4. Robyn and I developed an entire language for dicussing the boys we liked in high school. This language was sometimes referred to as "Lingo." Here are some examples: "Blueberry Muffins!" means "he's looking at you." For example, "Robyn, you had a lot of blueberry muffins at school today." "You've got lots of chocolate mousse ice cream at your house" means "he loves you." "You've got a fish on your back" means "I love you" (once I gave a boy that I loved a shirt with a fish on the back of it as a bold statement of my love). There was one that meant "go to _____" but I can't remember that one.

5. After being spurned by my first real boyfriend in college, Marcy, our 37-year-old friend, and I formed a "Girls' Club." We met bi-monthly to eat chocolate pudding and read "The Rules". Our 37-year-old friend gave each of us a large print of a woman in a long white dress "knighting" a man in a suit of armor who was kneeling before her. "This is what you deserve," she told us.We nodded our heads in awed agreement. 37-year-old was so wise and all-knowing...

6. You may remember about my theme "Plat for Mat." But what you don't know is that I had a prophetic dream in which a chimney sweep told me in a cockney accent that my husband was "on ya left, guvnah!" I awoke, immediately looked to my left, and saw a picture of Mat taped to the wall beside my bunk bed (shared with Marcy). I knew it was a definite sign. Mat was on my left! Just like to chimney sweep said! This launched the entire "Plat for Mat" campaign, which ended with a whole lotta nothin. Oddly, though, my actual husband did end up living up the hill to the LEFT of my house, so the chimney sweep was right all along.

7. During our last summer together, Marcy and I drew up some CONTRACTS that forced us to invite a boy to do something once a week. If we failed to meet our obligations we had to wear our ugliest dress from DI to church. We had the contracts notorized and everything (not really, but we probably would have, if we knew how to do it). There were some exceptions to the rule, however: death, being out of town, and dismemberment were the only things to get us out of inviting a boy on an outing. I don't know how we did it, but not one of us ever had to wear our ugly dresses to church. I did have to cut off my finger once, but it was worth it.

8. Last but not least, when I loved Mike (current husband) I made a well-placed comment with the most tactless person in the ward, knowing full well that she would turn right around and tell him what I said. Had he not been interested in me, as well, I shudder to think of what the consequences might have been. I probably would have had to leave the ward, go into hiding, dye my hair black, etc.

So there you go. Happy Valentine's Day (also known as VD).