Painful Memories From My Past

I would be a different person today were it not for a severely painful moment in Kindergarten. When I look back at my life, that really was the turning point. I coulda been a contenda, had it not been for my decision to take an old, black, plastic typewriter case to school as my backpack.

You see, I had an obsession with Alex P. Keaton (many of you know him as Michael J. Fox) on the '80s sitcom "Family Ties."

Seeing this picture, how could you blame me for loving him? I even thought it was cool to be ultra-conservative and idolize Richard Nixon well into my teens because of the influence Alex P. Keaton had on me. I didn't just want to marry him, I wanted to BE him. I wanted to do everything he did, including take a briefcase to school.

So I set out to find a briefcase in my house. I thought my dad had one for sure, but what does a motorcycle salesman want with a briefcase? There was plenty of Harley Davidson paraphernelia to be had (and it possibly would have made me seem cooler than a typewriter case)but I couldn't find anything close to the tan leather briefcase that Alex used. Frustrated, I turned to the overlooked closet in my parents' bedroom (once believed to be the home of "Jimby" the imaginary man), where I found a dusty old typewriter case that I thought would be perfect. Holding the "briefcase" in my arms, I ran downstairs and began to put all of my books, papers, and pencils into it. I just knew that I would be the coolest person in school with my new briefcase. Surely everyone would understand it as a nod to Alex P. Keaton?

Well, they didn't. I got laughed at and teased, but I persevered. I continued to take it to school well into the winter months, hitting an all-time low when David B stole it from me, making me chase him around the playground, and finally dropping it in the snow. Tearfully, I retired the briefcase. People just weren't hip enough at my school to get a great "Family Ties" reference.

So, that's why I am who I am today. I suppose it could have been worse. I COULD have had an obsession with Theo on "The Cosby Show"

who was certainly cute, but surely would have caused me to do worse things to my hair, clothing, and backpack.