Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Soy Un Perdedor

Here is a long (but not exhaustive) list of reasons why I am a pathetic loser.

10. The other day, while I was making a chicken pot pie that ended up being ruined, I couldn't stop saying the word "saute'" in a "Coffee Talk" accent. Mike walked in the kitchen in the middle of my rainman-esque manic repetitiion of the word, looked at me with a raised eyebrow, and walked out again.

9. I can still do the "Macarena," and I DO do it all the time, only I do it like Dr. Evil does it in the first Austin Powers movie.

8. B has stopped being my friend completely (except when she wants to borrow something) but still has me on her mass emailing list, so I get these monthly emails about all the parties she has (in which people played the game where you have to wear gloves and a hat and try to open a candybar with chopsticks) that she didn't invite me to. Even though I am not the type who likes the candybar game, I am deeply hurt by this lack of invitation. I'm pretty sure it stems from something I did about three years ago, i.e., gloating over the fact that Holden rolled over before her kid. I still feel bad about how I gloated. But can you blame me, when she said things like "Holden is starting to get some personality. He's not just like a generic baby anymore!"

7. I believe that things I said and did three years ago are not only remembered by people, but that people are dwelling on them to the point that they don't invite me to parties they know I would probably not want to attend.

6. I consider lying in bed all day and watching a "Made" marathon on MTV to be one of the most productive things I can do.

5. I want to be a writer, and have had this desire since fourth grade. I even have an idea for a novel called "Holden and the Hairy Nevus" in which a boy with a black patch of hair on the back of his head has special powers to foresee future disasters (it's a children's novel, and based on my own Holden's struggle with a hairy nevus--aforementioned friend's comments will be left out of this blog, as no one likes a whiner who can't get over past wrongs). But do I write? No, because I feel that in order to write, the following conditions must exist:
A) I must live in Pacific City, Oregon, in a house overlooking the ocean.
B) I must have a "room of my own" (thank you, Virigina Woolf, for ruining
my dreams with your ridiculous standards).
C) This room of my own must be full of office furniture from the Pottery Barn,
antiques from Aurora, OR, and a really nice pencil sharpener/paper shredder.
I know that these conditions will never exist for me, but still I don't write.

4. I only own one pair of jeans that I like and right now they are dirty, so I am wearing some old maternity pants that I have to roll down at the waist.

3. I want to please everyone and can't stand it when I know that someone out there dislikes me. Yet, this desire to please does not extend to a desire to wake up before 8:00 am in order to please my husband by making him breakfast. This was, is, and will continue to be, THE point of contention in our marriage. But really, what's wrong with throwing a granola bar at Mike and Holden, turning on "Playhouse Disney," and then heading back to bed?

2. I continually have conversations in my head with Bono. I imagine what I would say to him if I ever met him. Sometimes I get so excited that I start to cry during these imaginary conversations.

1. After all these years of cooking (only after 10 a.m., of course) I still can't make gravy or chocolate chip cookies.


  1. #8 Sounds like B is the one with the problem, not you. Though, I swear I have said something almost identical to her "generic baby" comment to other people. I had no idea how rude I was being! Thanks for the enlightenment.

    #5 I finally bought myself a really "nice" pencil sharpener and paper shredder last year. They really do make me very happy (the pencil sharpender more than the shredder...don't know why) Worth every penny. I'm still waiting on the Pottery Barn furniture and antiques myself. But live DO live in Oregon...I should be well on my way to being an award-winning novelist myself! (You can come visit and write)

    #4 My favorite jeans are just a wee bit too tight right now. I just hate that.

    #3 And why can't your husband make his own breakfast? I'm having real issues with that one.

    #1 Costco sells a great brown gravy mix, and a poultry gravy mix too (in the spice isle) - it is SO tastey with their rotisserie chickens! Had it for dinner just last night...

  2. Yo soy un perdedor tambien: when people talk about Executioner's Song I get really distracted and say, why don't you just watch Rattle and Hum? And, it really must be said, no one makes breakfast for their husband. (Don't say anything Carrie.)Sooawwce. Sooawwce. Sooawwce. Christian once caught me saying "Fogetta boutit" a la Joe Pesci over and over in the bathroom mirror. We are loser twins. Forget about it.

  3. Thank you for all your support, Suzie and Kacy. I will look into the Costco gravy and the Joe Pesci "fogetta boutit" things immediately. To be fair to Mike, he DOES make his own breakfast without complaint MOST days. Every now and then he makes a joke, and the issue is reborn.

  4. Loser. Just kidding. I used to think you were a loser because of something you did three years ago, but I'm totally over it now.

  5. Yeah so I have the #2 Problem too, but... Its usually me expressing my deep man-love for him.

  6. itl. I can definitely relate to #4. If the only pair of jeans I like are dirty, there's no tellin' what I'll show up in.

  7. If you are a loser than I have no hope. I have made myself cry from imaginary conversations more than I care to admit. It ain't easy being me... but somehow I manage. I think it's the meds.

  8. Girl...if you wrote a book, I would TOTALLY read it. I'm just saying...

    You know, Hubby said that Perdedor doesn't really translate into loser. However, I think he just doesn't like me learning new words. Whatever...

  9. Really? I think you make the best chocolate chip cookies ever. They are my favorite. And I'm actually not just saying that.

  10. Really? I think you make the best chocolate chip cookies ever. They are my favorite. And I'm actually not just saying that.

  11. Yesterday Matt walked past the bathroom as I was coming out saying "Thanks." under my breath. It was obvious I had been talking to myself. Why is it so natural to do, and yet so (sometimes) unnatural to witness?

    And may I say, I'm with you on the gravy. Whenever mom, Grandma and Aunt L. gather around the roast to make the gravy I slowly back out of the kitchen, many times trembling.

    I guess what I'm saying is that, in my book, you're no Perdedor...you're normal! (I bet that has caused you a big sigh of relief!)

  12. While I missed out entirely on the Macarena thing (mission) I think that doing ANYTHING like Dr. Evil makes you cool and not loser-ish. And I have conversations out loud with imaginary people ALL THE TIME..in the mirror! And hoe many times has I caught my husband making faces at himself in the mirror and when he sees me seeing him, he says "what about THIS one?" So either you're WAY cool or we're ALL losers... and the only reason I try to make my husband breakfast is because HE doesn't even leave until 9 am and I don't have kids OR a job...I'm just trying to earn my keep.