Monday, May 9, 2005

Wut Can We Do To Git You In Sum Chikin Today?

I owe so much to Chick-fil-a, which has become my pregnancy food of choice (you won't find "fries and fried chicken nuggets" on the "Best Odds Diet," but at this point, I don't really give a dern). I seriously go there more than once a week. And I always get the same thing: "number five, twelve pack, no sauce, and a diet coke." Occasionally I step out of my comfort zone and value size my waffle fries and drink for just 39 cents extra, but other than that, I don't stray. Sometimes I am embarrassed because I always see the same mother/daughter team working in there. I usually comfort myself by imagining that they think I must work at the mall--somewhere posh like Nordstroms--and that I am just on my lunch break. Of course, in reality, I rolled out of bed, got in my car and drove all the way to the mall, parked far away, and walked all the way there just to get twelve nuggets and a pile of waffle fries. But I just can't get the same quality anywhere else! As a connoisseur of chicken, I must say that ol' Chick-fil-a is the cadillac of nuggets.

Wendy's comes in at a very distant second, and they will do in a pinch, particularly because they are on the 99 cent value menu.

KFC Popcorn chicken is also quite good, if not a waste when you could be getting extra crispy ANYTHING.

McDonalds Mcnuggets are sub-par, but with the invention of all white meat nuggets, they are getting better, and their fries can't be beat.

Burger King nuggets are hardly worth the trouble. Just order a hamburger with lettuce and tomato only (at least, that's what I have to do).

I have to stop here and explain why I have such a penchant for nuggets. It may seem quite childish to the uninitiated. But, you see, I have a deep, abiding, almost pathological HATRED of nearly all condiments. Ketchup, mustard, mayo, relish, pickles.....ew. They literally make me sick. You may be thinking that I am a grown-up and that I should be able to eat things that I don't like. Not so. Other food problems have been overcomeable. Not this. I used to hate lasagna, for instance, when I was growing up. Now I love it. No, condiments are just different. I prefer to think of this as not a pickiness issue, but rather a food disability. I am condimentally impaired. There's nothing I can do about it, so accomodate me, already! I cannot eat them in a house; I cannot eat them with a mouse... (and don't give me the "Sam I am" line of "have you tried them?" because I have. As recently as 1999 I had ketchup on a french fry and almost tossed my cookies. In '98 I had several bites of a subway sandwich laden with mayo and mustard). So, I turned to nuggets when presented with the awkward choice between ordering a "plain" hamburger and waiting for twenty minutes, and getting something without any strings attached. Ahhh, good old stringless chicken nuggets. Sauce is optional. So what if the people I am eating with think I am a child?

And, speaking of childish, the only thing I have against Chick-fil-a is the cows. I HATE the spokescows, who A) can't spell (and I KNOW that's the point, but it's creepy) and B) are yucky to look at and remind me every time I eat there that I am eating an animal, rather than a juicy nugget. Take a look at this traditional ad:

It is just yucky and primitive and upsetting.
But I usually can overlook the revolting ads (which, by the way, were stopped during the mad cow disease scare. Wasn't that sensitive and thoughtful? Don't you think that the cows in these ads actually look like they ARE mad?) and skip right to the "chikiny" goodness.

So, I hope you will join me on my next Chick fil a visit, which should be fairly soon (like tomorrow). Until next time...


  1. oh the memories you have brought back with all this CG talk. I miss our trips to the University Mall. Did you know I have never had CFA cgs in VA? I better move back there. I could probably find an apt in walking distance from the University Mall?

    I agree with your rankings and BK chicken is a farce. The only difference I have is that I eat the chicken FOR the sauce (CFA cgs excluded).

  2. Tasty. (I said that because it is what I think Jack Black would say.)

  3. Hello from the birthplace of Chick-fil-a. (I know I've told you this a billion times) While they aren't as prevalent as Waffle Houses (there's literally a Waffle House on every freeway exit from here to Tallapoosa-ah the South) they are all over the place. I love it. Although with all of that access to Chick-fil-a that means a lot more cow ads.

    You know, you introduced me to Chick-fil-a when it was near-ish to Swallow's Drug and the photo booth. Ah, the salad days.

  4. Does this mean we are getting CFA for lunch today?

  5. Your spokescows sound like a girl I had a business lunch with A) can't spell (not that I can) B) are yucky to look at and remind me every time I eat with her that I am eating an animal.

    As to your food disability I can clearly see how that can't be labeled as picky!

    As to the belly friend... don't you just LOVE the name Rebecca?

  6. Actually, I really DO love the name Rebecca. It's not only biblical, it's BLOGLICAL.

  7. All this chicken talk has given me a rumbly tumbly. Let me save you some miles, with gas prices being what they are, have you ever tried Schwan's chiken bits or tenders? From the freezer to you in about 20 minutes and boy howdy are they scrumptious. If you aren't watching your trigliceride intake, deep fried in 2-3 mins. Schwan's even delivers the goodies directly to your abode. Now that's conveniece!

    As far as dipping sauces go, let me let you in on another little secret. One of my fav concoctions. Take a bowl and poor some Naturally Fresh Wine and Cheese salad dressing in (dressing found in the produce section and has a maroon label), then take some hot sauce. It can be any brand. I am kind of partial to Lousiana Hot Sauce. I generally add a generous portion, but season for taste and not spicy-hotness. Mix well and dunk away. I have found this sauce to go well with most anything. French fries, tater tots, steak fingers, chicken chunks of any kind, fish sticks, baked potatoes, the list is endless. Of course you can even eat it plain on salad (imagine that). I use it so much that I have a special jar of it already mixed and in the frig mark "Hot Sauce Mix". Then it's just a matter of shake and pour.

    So you see, nothing to be afraid of. Sauces are gooooood. You shouldn't get creeped out.

    And as far as the cows go...I love them. Nifty idea. There are a couple of billboard signs on the way home from work and I have to stare at them as I drive by because the cows look cool. Usually on a ladder or each other's back. You have to admit it, whether you like em or hate em, they get your attention.

    Next to the cows, I love the "Beef's for Dinner" campaign and the band that plays it at every dinner, outting or event as the beef is served. That's cool too.

    Hey it's food related. What did you expect.

  8. oh man, I hope skewedview's sauce comment didn't make you puke.

  9. I assume you will all be glued to the TV as the women golfers play the "Chick-fil-A Charity Championship hosted by Nancy Lopez" this weekend.

  10. Dear Skewedview,
    Although I will NEVER try your sauce concoction, I WILL look into the Schwans chicken nuggets. What else is good from the Schwans man? His BREAKFAST SAUSAGE. Boy howdy, if you haven't tried it, you need to right now.

    Thanks for the golf tournament tip. As long as the women aren't dressed up as cows with banners across their chests that say "eet mor chickin" I may tune in.

  11. Not to be sexist or anything but a few of them do look like cows. Then again the men golfers aren't that great looking either. Thank the golf gods for John Daly. Pass another nugget.