Wednesday, June 1, 2005

"Shufflepuck Cafe, This is Lexan" (Or, A List of Crazy Things I Did While Working at the RB on BYU Campus)

The RB is the P.E. building at BYU. This is the place where students, faculty, and alumni (read selfish, piggish, brutish, dorky-heads) come to play racquetball and get guest passes for their friends (read mooching, insulting losers). I had the privilege to work at the information desk: I sold lockers and guestpasses, answered questions and phonecalls, and spent a lot of time playing tetris and shufflepuck on the computer.This was the perfect job for a girl in college, except for when the Intramural Office had their way with us, causing me to write an RB Information Center "Declaration of Independence" and tape it to their door. Marcy Dibbleblotts worked here, too, and boy did we have a laugh riot (read nearly get fired several times).

Among the things we did for laughs were causing the computer voice on the office I-Mac to say surprising things to unsuspecting workers: They would click on the wrong icon, and suddenly, computer voice would yell, "There are two types of people in this world: those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't," or my favorite "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 shlameel, shlamozzel, Hozzenfeffer Incorporated" Marcy also had computer voice saying "adesso sesso," the translation of which can only be obtained through Marcy. I wash my hands of the Italian phrase, entirely. It got to the point where our boss made us turn off the sound because it was driving her nuts.

One time Marcy called out "good luck on your skin fold test!" as her customer walked away, red-faced and ashamed.

Another time I closed down the office for five minutes to use the bathroom and put a sign that said "gone peein'" on the door.

Occasionally I would answer the phone "Shufflepuck Cafe, this is Lexan" when Marcy or our other friends called. I was supposed to say "RB Information Center." But you should have seen this shufflepuck game on the computer. There was this cafe full of strange aliens (reminiscent of Jabba the Hut's place in Star Wars), and they had strange names like Lexan. Lexan was the hardest to beat, I'll tell you what. But I beat him, oh yes, I beat him loads of times...

Marcy would leave cryptic and hilarious notes for me to find in the mornings.

Sometimes I would leave notes for myself, signed by Bono, to find in the mornings. (When you close at 10:00 p.m., and open at 6:00 the following morning, you do anything you can to cheer yourself up.)

Occasionally I would use the office laminator to laminate pictures of Bono. I also used the embosser and various stamps to make all my notes to Marcy and myself appear more "official."

We used to look up our love interests on the computer system to find out their age, place of birth, GPA, etc. This could technically be called stalking.

Once in a while I would sneak into the boss's office to watch my favorite TV shows when I worked at night. I'd put up a bell, okay? I wasn't as neglectful as it sounds.

Every morning that I worked there I would go to the vending machines and purchase the following items: 1 6-pack of little chocolate donuts from Hostess; 1 red Powerade.

Brick Oven Pizza knew my name and my order just by looking at the phone number, and could get to my office in less than 15 minutes.

I dominated the top ten score list on tetris, but, in order to appear more humble, I disguised my name with clever things like "I am the Champions!" and "Carly-Carlino."

Both Marcy and I were in love with several of our co-workers, most of whom had code names such as "wedgie boy" and "caro mio;" one of whom was from Russia, was overweight, and twice my age.

I think I'd better stop the list here, or else I might incriminate myself further. Needless to say, those were our wild and crazy days.


  1. ahh, the memories. I think the RB was the prime location for coming up with our Roses are Reds, too...Remember the one about Doug having a gun? And I think we were the reason that the number of rows they stocked with chocolate donettes kept increasing...And remember when your former fiancee left you the note there that said "I Love You" and my cousin Lee wrote that he loved you too on it (and I think he did).

  2. How could I forget the roses are reds?? And I NEVER forgot having your cousin tell me he loves me. I think I still have the note.

  3. No, THIS is Lexan! I challenge you to a duel.

  4. Ah, information center clearance. I too abused that privilege. Who is this "Lexan" character? Sounds like you got yourself a stack-a-lee. (I make dreams come true. It's what I do.)

  5. I wish I had worked someplace cool at BYU. Instead I worked at the Daily Herald stacking inserts into machines. I can still smell newspaper and B.O. (as a combination) during certain times of the day.

    P.S. Not my B.O. My boss's B.O.

  6. Lexan,
    Are you THE Lexan, with three eyes and a lizard-like complexion from the Shufflepuck Cafe? I am truly in the presence of greatness.
    Thanks for clarifying on the whole B.O. thing. I was curious.

  7. Some might call me Lexan, some might call me a secret admirer from your past. I also go by Valdez Shanko.

  8. So Carly, why is it that I remember the name Valdez Shanko? Was it from a video? Who is this mysterious Lexan? Hmmmm.

    I remember when you worked at the RB, and man, I had no idea of what went on behind that mild-mannered little info booth front. Time well spent it sounds like, especially laminating pics of Bono.

  9. There are only two people in this world who could possibly know about Valdez Shanko: Robyn and Kacy. So fess up, Kacy (or should I say, LEXAN?)

    Skewedview: I am afraid to say that your mayo war would have sent me to the toilet to throw up. But it sounds like a riot.

  10. My first job at BYU was with the catering service. There's nothing like having the CRAP from other people's forks and knives all over your hands. But, the left-overs were always tasty...and forbidden.

  11. Now I remember. It was filmed largely outside your house, right? Did just Kacy make it? Or were you in it too? Foggy foggy memory, but the name stuck. Much like Anthony Montgomery or Robyn Rohation. Classic.

    By the way, less than a week! I'll keep you posted.

  12. Robyn,
    It was actually s video I made by myself in the really early video-making era. I was upstairs in my parents bedroom, I turned on the camera, sat down, and said "hi, my name is Valdez........Shanko" I think that's all there is. Less than one week is v. exciting. Please call me when the baby comes.

  13. Carly, as you now know, I was stack-a-lee/poor player. I regret that my trickery implicated you as the mystery commenter on Kacy's blog and in some crimes, i.e. Kacy's mailbox.

    That said, Isaac Walter's used to work at the RB Info booth, and my wife used to play racquetball there when she was at BYU. One day he asked her (before she was my wife) if she wanted to play racquetball with him. She consented and soundly defeated him, and he never asked her out again. I just thought that was an interesting coincidence. I doubt he had as much fun with his job as you did, though. He seems like the type to have taken it very seriously. "May I see your I.D.?"

    And may I say to your mysterious Lexan, not to do what I have done. The truth shall set you free.

  14. I can't take it anymore. I don't know if I am guilty of heroism or treason but I am Lexan. STOP CALLING ME CARLY!

  15. Dearest Otto,
    I am glad to know that it was YOU who posed as Stack a Lee and Poorplayer. I only hope that I didn't come on too strong about the Bob Dylan thing. Isaac Walters rings a bell. I think his mother taught my fledgling drama club class in 6th grade. She made me be the "woman tree" in the school play (though I tried out for the part of the wicked witch). Am still bitter, and v. glad that your wife beat her son at racquetball.