Tuesday, June 7, 2005

I Can't Handle The Truth

The following truths have been revealed to me in the last couple of weeks:

1. On a fun-filled trip to Fillmore, UT, Mike suddenly said, "let me give you a brief history of my life: when I was 5 I began twirling baton..."

2. When I was eating at Chick Fil A yesterday a group of young houligans (and I mean HOULIGANS:wearing leopard print spandex pants, lip rings, and acting like little Johnny Rottens in training)walked by me, and said "oh, she's OLD" while looking right at me. I don't know what tipped them off. Was it the pregnant belly? The dry skin? The fact that I was sitting there with a three year old? The forehead wrinkles? I'm sure they were headed for Hot Topic, as opposed to somewhere like the Gap or American Eagle. But one of them had a Bath and Bodyworks bag...

3. My father took me into the living room, where there were three paintings done by my great grandma to choose from. "Take one," he said. So I chose the painting that had been hanging in the living room since I was born. It had always reminded me of the way things looked around here before Ivory Homes and Grandview Farms tore down the forest and built roads and houses through our backyard. "I like this one," I told him, to which he responded "oh, yeah. That one always reminded me of you for some reason." It was a rare moment of tenderness, which caused me to leave immediately (am very uncomfortable with such moments). Afterwards I told my mom which painting I had chosen, and she said "oh, THAT one! Yeah, he has always HATED that painting! It drives him crazy." Well, I guess that explains why it reminds him of me....

4. I got caught in a herd of cattle (well, they were behind the fence) and was afraid for my life. This is an embarrassing truth because I come from a long line of cowboys and farmers. If my grandpa had seen my behavior around those cows, he would have been very disappointed in me. But you don't understand! They were mooing at me, and they were staring at me. They would have charged any moment.

5. Mark Felt is deep throat! Who saw THAT coming? I have always been wishing it were Utah native Bob Bennett.

6. Darth Vader really does fulfill his destiny of being the chosen one and bringing balance to the force, even though it takes him longer than Qui Gon Jin thought. Awesome. Plus, he was conceived by the midichlorians. Even awesomer.

7. Apparently, Holden doesn't love me.

8. In a shocking turn of events, the old people at Grandview Farms actually don't LIKE it when my dog goes to the bathroom on their lawns!

9. After much soul-searching, I have discovered that money actually DOES make me happy.

10. Sometimes I get sick of taking a shower. That doesn't mean that I DON'T shower. I just need to spice up my routine with some washcloth mitts and liquid soap.


  1. I hope you told those hooligans to step off. They need to be checked into the smackdown.

    I understand about the cow thing. Once I was taking a shortcut across a field in Missouri and I looked up and a cow was staring at me and looking like it was going to charge...but I was inside his fence. I ran like a mofo.

  2. I want to hear more about the baton twirling and also about how a trip to Fillmore can be fun-filled.

    And after working (code: fretting) on our budget the other day (at my behest, Matt might be an accountant, but he's not one of THOSE accountants) I agree with number nine. Everything must be better when cushioned with a nice healthy cash flow.

  3. I was just going to say, I'm curious what the trip to Fillmore was for. I have nothing against Fillmore, I just didn't know people went there.

    I concur about money. Money itself doesn't make me happy, but spending it really does. Spending it on clothes, shoes, CDs, and home decor in particular.

  4. my revelation for the week: I DISLIKE FOREVER21 where I feel fat and OLD.

    And that really is FAT...not PHAT.

  5. I hope you don't mind me commenting again. I too understand the cow thing. When I was about 6 I was at a friends house (we lived in Idaho, lots of cows) We went into the back yard where there was an old milk cow who had been "put out to pasture". My friend assured me that the cow was safe and we could pet it (why anyone would want to pet a cow, I don't know). Maybe the sting of being put out of service was still fresh in her mind, but as soon as we got within 15 feet she charged. We ran for our lives. Half way to the fence, my friend tripped and fell. I stopped only feet from the fence, "Come on!" I yelled. The cow was bearing down on him. He staggard to his feet, I grabbed his hand and we made a last desperate lunge for the fence and dove through the rails just as the cow crashed into it. No kidding, this is a true story, only slightly dramatized. It took me a long time to get over my boviphopia.

  6. Yes, the post-shower routine is so taxing when you have to do it EVERY DAY. But I will not set foot out of the house without foundation and mascara, so what are you gonna do?

    Otto: your cow encounter sounds very scary. I am glad you made it out alive so you could comment on my post. Was Woolf alive then? (I went to school with him, you know).

  7. Whoever said "Money can't buy happiness" was probably really poor and tyring to make himself feel better about it. I sang a song in 2nd grade with the lyrics "Happiness is two kinds of ice cream, finding a nickel, climbing a tree..." If this is true, then happiness can be bought 2/3 of the time. That sounds about right to me.

  8. Have you done much landscaping? Trees big enough to climb are very expensive.

  9. A 50 year old man called me "Ma'am" yesterday. Now that was rude.