As if the jerks at "What to Expect When You're Expecting" didn't make me feel bad enough when they wrote that "delivery won't make thighs and hips thickened by overindulgence during pregnancy magically disappear," I now find myself plunging into a spiral of shame and lies. And by "spiral of shame and lies" I mean "being too ashamed to tell the truth to the girl in the Old Navy dressing room, so lying that the jeans 'worked out great' when really I had to put them back and get a bigger size."
And then I eat a whole Hershey bar in one day--I HATE when that happens!
Then Holden makes me look like a bad mom when he refuses to pay his tithing to the bishop during tithing settlement. "In a year or two," the bishop told him, "you'll be mature enough to understand what it means to pay tithing." "In a year or two," thought Holden, "I'm moving to Australia." Then, turning to us, the bishop went on: "and in the meantime your parents will teach you about why it's important to pay tithing." Unfortunately, Holden was not the only one who was secretly saying "not bloody likely." (Hehehe, that Mike! He's so rebellious...). To add insult to injury, we were then informed that this kind of thing "has never happened" to our Bishop before. Surely he was joking? I have a hard time believing that there has never been a three year old who didn't want to pay his tithing. That one kid in the ward with the unibrow looks pretty stingy...
Though Holden did finally put his 55 cents into the envelope (after refusing to shake the bishop's hand, even for candy!), he wanted it back immediately when we got home. "I want to throw it away," he yelled. I guess he would rather have thrown it in the trash than contribute to the church. Youch. You have to admit it, though: that boy's got moxy. It makes me wonder. Will he be our token rebellious child, or will this be one of those hilarious personal stories told over the pulpit at General Conference?
Only time, and some well placed family home evenings, will tell.
And, as a final blow: bless his heart, Mike said the following things to me all on the same day (and it was Sunday, the day when I usually have a breakdown over nylons and skirts and hair):
"Then stop eating Kit Kats."
"Did you serve Top Ramen at the ward break the fast dinner?"
and my favorite,
"Yeah, a person really DOES have to be pretty to wear really short hair!"
Now, the correct statements were
"You don't need to lose weight, you look great!"
"I bet the ward loved your your delicious cooking at the break the fast dinner"
"But you ARE pretty enough to have really short hair!"
It makes me wonder: is he really just so full of honesty and integrity that he cannot tell a lie, or was he just not paying attention when I baited him with these comments? Only time, and many more loaded questions, will tell.
T minus 7 days till we fly to Provo. Obviously we are all going a little crazy here in Arizona.