Tuesday, May 6, 2008

And Now it's Time for my 8th Month Pregnancy Rant

This is the time during all my pregnancies when I start to really HATE being pregnant. It's not like I loved it before, or anything. I'm not one of THOSE people. Miracle, shmiracle, I say. Nevertheless, this is the time when it REALLY starts to just get on my NERVES that I am STILL pregnant while the rest of the world enjoys their thinness and fashionable clothing. So, rather than boring you with paragraph after paragraph of angry tirade, I will just give you the


10. People who use the term "natural" to describe a labor and delivery sans epidural. Doesn't anybody see that there are degrees of "naturalness"? I mean, to me, UNnatural means that everything was done in a test tube, not that a woman chose to have some pain relief so she could maintain some dignity and have some sanity for when the baby is actually out and in need of constant attention. If "natural" is what you are REALLY after, go squat on some bricks in a red tent, like they did in biblical times. Then make a special badge that says you are better than other women because you did it the hardest way possible. Cause that's what this epidural/non epidural war is really about, isn't it? It's just another way for women to be mean to each other.

9. Ill-fitting maternity pants. I can find good shirts. Good pants elude me. Why is this?

8. The terrible swelling that occurs during the three hour church block. And the feeling that if I were to skip church on the basis of swelling, I would be setting a bad example for my kids.

7. Hearing other people's birth stories in graphic detail and feeling extremely uncomfortable and disgusted by them, only to realize that I will be going through the same thing in approximately 8 weeks.

6. Trying to get a cute, trendy hair cut from a 21-year-old girl and instead getting a haircut that looks like someone took a bite out of the back and having the 21-year-old tell you it is "fine." Like suddenly, because I am fat and a mom, my hair standards are way lower?! "Fine" is good enough because I am a lost cause anyway!? And she didn't say "fine" as in the slang "look at that FINE man!" She said it like "I think it's FINE the way it is." !!!

5. Feeling alternately depressed and guilty for caring so much about my outer appearance. I mean, at the heart of all my sorrows right now is the fact that I feel fat and ugly. When I admit that to myself, I feel terrible for being so vain.

4. Knowing that no matter what name I choose for this baby, I will most assuredly disappoint someone, and I will most assuredly KNOW just how much I have disappointed them, too.

3. The inability to wear high heels (see #5).

2. My enlarged face (see #5).

1. The line in What to Expect When You're Expecting which states that "thighs thickened by overindulgence during pregancy will not automatically return to normal size after the delivery." Thank you, you self-righteous, insensitive, health-food-pushing freak. I think I'll go have a hershey bar.


  1. "Haven't you had the baby, YET?", "Wow, you look like you are ready to pop. How much longer?", etc. etc. Gotta love it. I'll send you another cheesecake. Oh wait, I'll BRING you another cheesecake, and a #27 off the Training Table menu. :)

  2. oh man, all I can say is amen. I mean I've only been through it once, but AMEN! And about the vain-ness, I have a problem with that too. Many problems. So I'm feelin' that with you too.

  3. Oh, I feel for you! I really do...not that it helps any, probably. If it makes you feel any better, when I was pregs with Paige the only shoes I could fit my FAT FEET into during that last month were Tevas. HORRIFYING. (I know!) But I offer that story in hopes that it will make you feel better about your shoe choices. And also that your feet could not be as fat as mine were.

    Also, women who CHOOSE to bring a child into this worls sans epideral are baffling to me. To me, that is WAY worse than wearing Tevas.

  4. Nice to have you posting again. Feelin' your pain.

    You need to go to La Dolce Vita in Provo and get the 7 layer chocolate mousse cake (if they still have it). If not for you, do it for me. If you are going to have chocolate, make it good so when your thighs rub together it was for a darn good reason!

  5. I'm tired of being pregnant too and I still have 3 more months. ugh. Church is totally uncomfortable and you are not a bad parent if you stay home. We could just both stay home and IM each other gospel messages.

  6. I'm sure you didn't write that to humor anybody but I did have a smile on my face... not because I think any women should be going through the uncomfortable parts of being pregnant but because I feel I can relate and I still have a long ways to go. I hate the coment "How big do you get!?" People just need to learn what to say and what not to say when a womens pregnant. I'm sure you look great. Take care

  7. Wow! You just summed up my feelings on the whole pregnancy thing. Good luck!

  8. I will say that, while maternity clothes are still hard to find, I think that they are getting SO MUCH BETTER at the whole stylish thing. My clothes from Jacob honestly look laughable compared to my cool, hip, amazing stuff from Nicholas. Or so I thought...

    And I couldn't agree more: "this epidural/non epidural war is really ...just another way for women to be mean to each other."

    8 more weeks!

  9. Answer to #9 you're pregnant. Try suspenders and spandex.

    Relative to #6 - you better not have tipped.

    Has anyone explained to you what causes pregnancy? That may quell all the whining.

    Name your child what ever you want and tell anyone that doesn't like it to "Bite me."

    It's about time you posted. DMP

  10. Oh Carly - I can symathize with you and it's been almost 30 years ago that I went thru the whole pregancy deal. Some "fun" things you never forget. Look beyond the end of June to that sweet baby and also the adventures that will come as you move to Rexburg.
    I'm sure that whatever name you pick will fit just right?

  11. I have never been pregnant, so my comments are worthless. But, I'm with you on the drug thing. I would never even CONSIDER giving birth without an epidural. I'm completely anti-pain in all aspects of my life.

  12. While I'm not hating pregnancy yet, I'm certainly getting bored with it.

    I'm with you on the pants and the drug thing. There are no prizes awarded for squeezing out a child with no pain killers. As for the pants, try the Secret Fit belly stuff from Motherhood. They are the only kind I've found that actually stay up.

    BTW, I'm the girl from high school that introduced myself at the Women's Expo a couple of weeks back.

  13. I feel for you, I hate being pregnant too, especially those last few weeks. I'm always sure that I'll be the first woman ever who just never had that baby.

    Good luck with everything, at least you're back in the USA with all our wondrous medicine.

  14. You couldn't have said it better, Carly. This is exactly how I feel when I'm 8 months pregnant. And those self-righteous books totally bug me too! Have a candy bar & get an epidural! Hang in there!

  15. This post reminds me exactly how I felt 5 months ago. I agree with numbers 1-10. I hate that book What to Expect. . . I stopped reading it during #3 pregnancy. It's so dumb. You need to pamper yourself. You need a pedicure and you should buy some treats for when you have the baby--like soft jammies and new tube socks.

  16. Wow, I'm really disappointed by the mean words being flung around about non-epidural births.

    There are a lot of valid reasons for not getting an epidural, and getting a "medal" is not one of them. :/

  17. Sorry, anonymous. When I wrote this, four years ago, I was encountering a lot of self righteous judgment from the whole "natural birth" camp. I don't really care whether people have an epidural or not, I just hate it when people act superior because of their choice. I realize that by teasing the other side, I probably came across as being judgmental and superior myself! I guess that's why it's called a "rant!" I am sorry if I offended you.