This is the time during all my pregnancies when I start to really HATE being pregnant. It's not like I loved it before, or anything. I'm not one of THOSE people. Miracle, shmiracle, I say. Nevertheless, this is the time when it REALLY starts to just get on my NERVES that I am STILL pregnant while the rest of the world enjoys their thinness and fashionable clothing. So, rather than boring you with paragraph after paragraph of angry tirade, I will just give you the
TOP TEN THINGS I HATE RIGHT NOW
10. People who use the term "natural" to describe a labor and delivery sans epidural. Doesn't anybody see that there are degrees of "naturalness"? I mean, to me, UNnatural means that everything was done in a test tube, not that a woman chose to have some pain relief so she could maintain some dignity and have some sanity for when the baby is actually out and in need of constant attention. If "natural" is what you are REALLY after, go squat on some bricks in a red tent, like they did in biblical times. Then make a special badge that says you are better than other women because you did it the hardest way possible. Cause that's what this epidural/non epidural war is really about, isn't it? It's just another way for women to be mean to each other.
9. Ill-fitting maternity pants. I can find good shirts. Good pants elude me. Why is this?
8. The terrible swelling that occurs during the three hour church block. And the feeling that if I were to skip church on the basis of swelling, I would be setting a bad example for my kids.
7. Hearing other people's birth stories in graphic detail and feeling extremely uncomfortable and disgusted by them, only to realize that I will be going through the same thing in approximately 8 weeks.
6. Trying to get a cute, trendy hair cut from a 21-year-old girl and instead getting a haircut that looks like someone took a bite out of the back and having the 21-year-old tell you it is "fine." Like suddenly, because I am fat and a mom, my hair standards are way lower?! "Fine" is good enough because I am a lost cause anyway!? And she didn't say "fine" as in the slang "look at that FINE man!" She said it like "I think it's FINE the way it is." !!!
5. Feeling alternately depressed and guilty for caring so much about my outer appearance. I mean, at the heart of all my sorrows right now is the fact that I feel fat and ugly. When I admit that to myself, I feel terrible for being so vain.
4. Knowing that no matter what name I choose for this baby, I will most assuredly disappoint someone, and I will most assuredly KNOW just how much I have disappointed them, too.
3. The inability to wear high heels (see #5).
2. My enlarged face (see #5).
1. The line in What to Expect When You're Expecting which states that "thighs thickened by overindulgence during pregancy will not automatically return to normal size after the delivery." Thank you, you self-righteous, insensitive, health-food-pushing freak. I think I'll go have a hershey bar.