If I Were Mayor
I am no politician. And you probably have noticed that I never talk about politics in these articles. That's because I am scared that Chuck Norris might see what I write and hunt me down like a socialist dog. But, with all this talk about mayors and campaigns and what not, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I would do to improve our town if I were in charge. I hope that when you read this you won't be so impressed that you write my name in when you vote. Please, make your vote count! I choose not to run! But, here is my highly sophisticated and innovative platform, just FYI:
First and foremost, I think Rexburg needs a free pie day. This day could be held annually in February or March, when everyone is depressed because Christmas is over and the weather is bleak. What better way to cheer up the town than with some free pie? And I am not talking about cheap pie, here. None of this pre-cooked crust with some vanilla pudding slopped in. I want quality. The people of Rexburg deserve nothing less. If not a free pie day, then at least a free pie festival.
Second, Rexburg needs someone to pick up, sort, and drop off our recycling. I am a strong advocate for recycling, but what a pain to drop it off! Case in point: I have been driving around town for one month with a case of pop cans, cardboard, and newspaper in the trunk of my car. I just can't bear to sort them and throw them in those ominous blue bins lurking in the parking lot of Broulims. What we need to do is hire some students (who desperately need jobs right now) to pick up, sort, and drop off our recycling.
Third, Rexburg needs better radio stations. Is it me, or did the eighties end twenty years ago? It's hard to believe that I am the only person who does not enjoy country music or Christian rock. Or hip hop, for that matter. When I first moved to Idaho, I wondered if the entire state was still in love with Billy Idol, or if I was taking crazy pills. Come on. Let's cater to that silent majority out there who would like to hear some alternatives to "White Wedding" and "Freeze Frame," songs which are heard on the radio with an alarming frequency.
Fourth, Rexburg needs to recruit the following businesses: Target, Five Guys, Chick-Fila, Barnes and Noble (or some other big box, secular, all-purpose bookstore). I'm just saying, alternatives are nice . . .
Fifth, Rexburg needs a drugstore that is open 24 hours. Case in point: my husband woke up with stomach pain one -20 degree winter morning. Being the devoted and loving wife that I am, I bundled up and went out to get him some tums. It was 7:00 am and Walgreens was closed. What if it had been a more severe emergency? Longer hours for stores=more jobs=more access to tums for my grumpy husband=me happy.
Sixth: Rexburg loved the Farmers Market, and it should be continued every year. Maybe we should even keep going with it through October. Maybe the Farmers Market could somehow segue into a free pie day. . .
Seventh, Rexburg needs a giant fir tree to be our town Christmas tree and mascot, a symbol of our strength, hardiness, and contunal growth and progress, a sacred Rexburg fir tree, never to be cut down or harmed.
Eighth, two words: snow plow.
Ninth, Rexburg needs more cultural events, like bringing in awesome bands such as U2 and the White Stripes. I mean, how hard can it be to get those guys here?
Tenth, Rexburg needs improved customer service, like people who aknowledge my existence, smile at me, laugh at my jokes, and understand sarcasm (like when I say "just picking up a few essentials" when really I am buying a liter of diet coke, a candybar, a bag of donuts, some chocolate covered pretzels, and a large bag of cheetos).
So, future Rexburg mayor and city council, I implore you to see reason. I implore you to take these suggestions into consideration, and to get our citizens some free pie, some better restaurants, some effective snow removal, some customer service, and some U2 concerts. Afterall, our citizens deserve nothing less.