Ten Things I Will Never Buy

10. The "Clapper." Do I want to resemble a grumpy old person, wearing a bonnet, lying in bed, then clapping my hands really loud to the tune of "clap on, clap off...the clapper--clap clap" rolling over and going to sleep? No. Not yet, anyway. I'm going to aim high, and believe that I can still get out of bed when I need to turn off a light.

9. Custom-made mugs with photos of my children on them. There are better ways to show my devotion to my children than plastering their faces all over common, every day objects that I drink cocoa out of.

8. A jacket for my dog, unless he really needs it. Oh, fine. I admit it! I already have three. But I have to have something to match the booties and bow ties.

7. Anything from Motherhood Maternity. Everything I have bought from that store in the past has been a mistake, from the morning sickness-curing lollipops (newsflash: they're just regular candy. Buy some jolly ranchers instead, why don't you?) to the ombre died silk pink tunic, to the bright coral floral old lady dress, to the long black dress made out of sweater material. You catch my drift. I lose my style compass when I go in there. It's hard enough to have style while pregnant, anyway.

6. Anything for children or babies with the word "Einstein" in its name. I feel like it is deceptive to put that name on a video to assuage parents' guilt for allowing their little ones to watch television. A paranoid, guilt-ridden parent sees the word "Einstein" and thinks, "oh, this will actually be really great for my baby, and make him smart, which is all that matters." Ick. It's such a lie. And so cruel to exploit the guilt and good intentions of young parents. I hate. I mean, the real, not baby or little, Einstein is rolling over in his grave right now.

5. Any sort of wooden sign with a message on it, like "all because two people fell in love," or even a one-word message like "DREAM." I don't need my walls telling me what to do all day long. Why don't YOU dream, you stupid old wooden sign. I'm trying to watch TV right now!

4. Fake flower arrangements, which include, but are not limited to, grasses, and ivy that sits on top of a tall ledge or kitchen cabinets.

3. Children's shoes with Disney characters on them, though this is getting harder and harder to enforce.

2. Ankle bracelets. That ship has sailed for me.

1. Spam.