Thursday, June 8, 2006

Ballroom and Me

A few days ago one of my students asked me if I have ever "done ballroom" before. This was intriguing to me, as I have spent the majority of my life trying to be the opposite of everything that "doing ballroom" encompasses. (Note: I realize that I had a stint with ice skating which resulted in some poor choices of costume, but I think I have MORE than made up for that in the last fourteen or so years.) I tried to get more information from her; for instance, WHY do I look like someone who used to do ballroom dance. But she wasn't very forthcoming. Just "you look like a person who did ballroom."

Immediately I ran through every possible reason to connect a person such as myself with ballroom dance:

Is it my freakishly large calves? Do they look like they've done a lot of high kicks and swishy thingies? (See, I don't even know the TERMS for ballroom dance!)

Or is it the way I carry myself? I had a terrible, horrible, mean mentor tell me once that I look like I'm hugging myself when I teach and that it seems like I'm not very open, so perhaps I've overcorrected with excellent posture and hand-placement??

There are much worse possibilities, though.

Like my makeup! I HAVE been hitting the blush pretty hard lately. But how else am I gonna look awake for an 8:00 a.m. class? I DO wear sparkly eye shadow--the same that Carmindy on "What Not to Wear" puts on teenagers, incidentally--but I always thought it was tasteful and subtle. Could it be my foundation? Is it too thick? Too orange? Cakey? Phony looking? I DO have to layer it on....

Is it the flesh-colored tank top that I sometimes wear underneath white blouses? It IS flesh-colored.

I'm going OUT OF MY MIND!

The question is, what about me and my appearance seems to shout....


Or this??

As much as I love the movie Strictly Ballroom, I don't like the idea of someone looking at me and imagining me with slicked-back hair, shockingly fake makeup, and a flambouyant costume that consists of mostly flesh-colored mesh that, frankly, is not FOOLING anyone.

What do I do now? I certainly can't go on like this, shouting out "I'm a ballroom dancer!!!" to everyone I see. I need assistance. I need someone to take some secret videos of me walking down the street. Am I SASHAYING?? Is there some vaseline on my teeth that I'm unaware of? Seriously. Help. Me.


  1. I think it's your wholesomeness.

  2. Solution: get some new jeans, 5 times too big, wear them around the bottom of your posterier, over some really rad puffy boxers. Put on a gigantic jersey with a name like Shizzle on the back. To top it off, you need a ballcap chappo, the brim still nicely starched flat, pulled around to the side, so it rests just over and between your right eye and right ear. Now swagger when you walk, boppin, boppin, boppin.

    Well that ought to take care of the Ballroom dancer confusion.

  3. That student is wierd. And you do NOT have freakishly large calves.

  4. Don't be insulted. Ballroom is in. I learned in Take the Lead with Antonio Banderas that ballroom is just "sex on hardwood." Maybe your stude has a secret crush.

  5. Yes, was the student male or female? That would determine so much. I got a vibe that it was a female...
    I can't stop imagining someone hugging themself.

  6. You should ask the student if she represents Mary Kay cosmetics. Just to get back at her.

  7. Indeed it was a female who asked me. I will definitely do the Mary Kay thing. What a great idea.

  8. Maybe she wanted to get you into ballroom. People are selling everything these days. Ballroom is very in since "Dancing With the Stars" was such a huge hit. Maybe you and Mike should try it out...although I just can't picture it. For Mike, not you. It could be a weekly date night at lessons!

  9. Now, WHY can you picture ME doing ballroom and not Mike doing it? This is the eternal question! This is the source of my angst! How's Japan??

  10. Ate gelato at Frost on Ina and Oracle last night per your recommendation. It was good, thought of you.

  11. I bet it was good, Emily. Thanks for thinking of me and for reminding me of such roads as "Ina" and "Oracle." Ah how I miss Tucson.

  12. Take a few deep breaths. Maybe the student was just trying to think of something to say to flatter you and it came out all wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong.